Abandon ship.

I'm talking about the single boat here, everyone around me seems to be getting married in relationships!

I'm happy for them all but I wish it could be my turn now. I've been properly single for a very long time now. After mum died relationships were the last thing on my mind.

But I do want to settle down. I know in young but I wanna find someone and spend my life with them, get married and have a family. (having a family being the most unlikely)

I dunno, other people have noticed it and I get it. They say I have an old head on young shoulders and I do, but only because I've had too. I lived a carefree life before my dad got poorly, I was 11 years old and I had no idea and shit life can be.

When dad then died I had to pull it together. 6 months later I ended up becoming a carer for my mum when she got ill. I left my childhood at the door 8 years ago when I was 20.

I don't regret it though. Looking after my mum was a burden yes but also something I was and am proud to say I did.

Now my mum has died I have to learn to control finances, maintain my house and look after myself. I'm now an apprentice which means I go to college and work at the same time.

So yes. I am maybe to mature for my age but that's what life has given me so like it or not I live with it.

CD1!!!!

I never thought I would be writing this. After a 35 day cycle AF is here!! I'm happy about this but WTF is going on?? I go 10 months with nothing then poof, 2 in the space of 35 days. That is seriously weird.

Right. Blog updated, at the moment I haven't got a blog button anymore but that will come.

I just wanted a fresh update and layout, it's not professional and funky but oh well, at least its all ok.

Lots to tell you all!!!

I still have depression, i don't think that will be ending anytime soon but it's ok. that's something I'm dealing with. I have still out of control PCOS(no surprise there)

Good news! (well i think its good news), I have kinda started dating again. finally after 3 years!

We had 1 date on wednesday and one last night. he is lovely and everything but I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified of being close to someone. I'm so tough and independent, I don't want to let my guard down to someone unless I'm positive that I'm sure. It's just hard to explain to people, especially him.
I just don't know how to tell him why I'm like that. my history is a mess, no body wants to hear that.

Anyways, I'm afraid. I admit it. TMI coming up. I'm afraid of the intimacy side of things, giving someone that amount of control over me, and making myslef vulnerable. I struggle with that. after my mum and dad died. i just became so tough that giving over that control is hard. just gotta bring down some walls.

HARD WORK. But i wanna try. and hey, at least I'm trying :)

I am definitely gonna keep up with blogging now, doing it tonight has been quote therapeutic lol

Confused

Blogger seems to have become a little bit complicated. when did they mess it up ?!?!? its impossible to use and i don't like it.

But i cant use wordpress so blogger it is!

If anyone can help, I want one of them grab my button scroll boxes, i had one but i screwed up when i changed my blog. If anyone can help then I would appreciate it!

Good news for a change

I have good news for a change.

Ive been trying to lose weight for years with no success. over the past 3 weeks i have lost 13lbs. I was so happy to get on the scales and see that i had actually acheived something!

Also. after my mum died, i started smoking again. its now been a month since i quit smoking. i have had a couple on bad days BUT i'm still counting my past month as smoke free. its been so difficult to not smoke. i replied on cigarettes to calm me down and give me something to do so it has been difficult to give them up.

AND, i went  to see a medium tonight, was a group thing at a spiritual church and i got a message.

i was told my great grandma was there and my mum was with her. also that a gentlemen was there who passed in november (which was my dad). i do believe people are out there and it has been comforting to hear that they are there. she also said not to give uo if u want something then go get it.

I intend to follow that advice, i also intend to not start smoking again and also try and keep the weight off and lose more. wish me luck!!!!!

Made the change

I finally changed my blog, its taken me 8 months but i did it.

it was much harder than i thought it would be, it felt like i was letting go but i realised that my mum and caring would always be with me no matter what i changed.

all the lovely people on twitter and on my blog have been amazing to me the past 8 months.

When I've felt low or sad, i sign on twitter and there has always been someone there for me and i love each and every one of you for that! even though im not on twitter as much i hope you all know how much you mean to me :)

also, if anyone can help id appreciate it, i changed my button but i need to get the box underneath with the link so people can get my button. i cant remember how i did it before :/ if anyone can let me know where to get that please :)

A poem for Daddy

this is a poem dedicated to my dad. just wanted to share this with you all. i hope you like it <3

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school,

and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,

that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand,

if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;

she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,

for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school

eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone

to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called

a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,

every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"

she heard a boy call out.

"She probably doesn't have one,"

another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,

she heard a daddy say,

"Looks like another deadbeat dad,

too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,

as she smiled up at her Mom.

And looked back at her teacher,

who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,

slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child,

came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,

because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories

he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,

and ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him.

I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,

even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,

and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her

mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love

of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down, staring

straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,

he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here,

but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a policeman

and died just this past year

When airplanes hit the towers

and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it's like he never went away."

And then she closed her eyes,

and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,

she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,

who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"

to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers, of those once

filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,

for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the

love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never

too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an

hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then

an entire life to forget them.