Alone with my thoughts.

WARNING: this is a miserable post, I needed to put my thoughts somewhere, it's random mumblings so if you have no idea what I'm talking about then don't worry :)


My mums asleep, there's nothing I wanna watch on tv so I'm here. In silence. Alone with my thoughts. This is a bad thing, when I sit in the quiet doing nothing my brain starts going frantic with bad stuff. I think about me getting cancer and dying, this terrifies the crap outta me, I watched my dad suffer for 10 months from cancer until he couldn't fight anymore, I was there when my hero took his last breath. We had known for a few hours that it was coming but it didn't prepare me. I was 12, I'm 18 now and it haunts me even now but I don't regret it, I would never have forgiven myself if I had left, it wasn't pretty to watch his life slip away. The memory is etched into my brain. I loved him and he died. Roll forward 6 months and my mum is now wheel chair bound requiring round the clock care. Go forward 2 years and I'm told I have really bad PCOS, lots of large cysts on my ovaries that aren't going anywhere, my fertility taken from me, and my last bit of normality gone. I worry that the absence of my menstrual cycles will give me cancer, I know it's a possibility. With no treatment available to me and natural methods failing my mind goes to death. Not much frightens me, after everything that's happened I've learned that life can be a pile of shit and life is unfair, only a select few get a blessed life. But death frightens me, more than anything else I fear dying. I fear for my mum, she's not well and I'm scared of something happening to her, some may call it a blessing because of her health, but death is never a blessing. I'm scared of growing old alone and childless. I fear that the world is moving on and I'm left behind in limbo. I want to experience the joy of children, a life you create through whatever means.

Someone I know said that looking after my mum will make me alone. If someone can't handle the fact that my mum needs me then fuck them! They aren't worth it to me.

Someone asked me yesterday "what does being a carer really mean ? Are you just a glorified slave?"

No I'm not a slave. Being a full time carer means that someone depends on you, your life isn't just yours, if your hurt then what happens to the person you care for? You share your life with someone who is sick,disabled or both. I love being a carer, I love my mum and I don't care what anyone says about it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

How many more bad days?

Today has been rough, actually the last 6 years of my life has been hard. 6 months after my dad died my mum got poorly after an operation that went wrong. It's hard yes, I don't want sympathy, never have never will. This is my personal blog, it's for me.

Today has been one of those days where it feels like the work has turned it's back on you, I'm exhausted, have absolutely no energy and I'm in the crappiest mood ever. I'm an emotional wreck, one minute I'm fine the next I'm crying like a baby, it really is horrendous.

I'm still fat too, I'm at the gym 3x a week, do workout DVD's the other 3 days and then I have Sunday off. I'm eating well, my calorie maintenance level is about 2710 calories and I'm averaging at 1500 calories a day as advised by the dietician. Barely any weight loss at all, in the past 3 weeks I've lost 3oz. It's pathetic and it's shit. Now that weight loss surgery has been ruled out aswell because I'm not fat enough, that's it, a vicious battle to stay stuck how I am.

I'm not fat enough for weight loss surgery and I'm not thin enough for any other medication to help me, I can't go on metformin because apparently I'll have a stroke.

Moving on, I'm now at CD202. My last period was January, this is also a pile of crap. I've tried Ginger,parsley tea, everything non prescription with no sign of anything.

So, after all my crappy moaning, I'm gonna watch some TV, and you know what ? Me and my mum are ordering in pizza tonight. I need a relaxing night where I'm thinking about other things apart from periods and diets.


Posted from my iPod touch.

CD200, waiting and waiting.

Yup, I'm now cycle day 200. My last period was January 13th. No signs of AF turning up anytime soon either. This whole 'sit and wait for it' plan is a pile of crap but I got no choice, so I'm waiting.


Posted from my iPod touch.

doctors appointment

right. yesterday i went to see my doctor, you remember ? the horrible cow who told me it was my own fault?, well i saw her because she was the only one available, I'll call her Dr. R here so i know who i mean. i tried to talk to her about my PCOS and my lack of AF visits. As ususal she just said that not having any wont do me any harm and theres no need to treat it, a couple of ladies said about birth control to regulate them, well she wasnt up for that either, she said the risk of stroke was to high.ridiculous i know but thats all she could say to me.

Then we moved on to weight loss, my dietican had written Dr. R  a letter saying that had been no weight loss and that maybe treatment for PCOS may help, well as i said before that didnt work out so well. i tried to talk to her about getting a gastric band. (If you dont know about me wanting a gastric band then click here to read my post about it.) basically, im overweight, very overweight, its not just my health but being the way i am is making me so unhappy. i hate myself, i refuse to look in a bit mirrror.

I tried talking to her about a gastric band but she basically ignored me and changed the subject. im serious about this, and when i see her again 3 weeks i will bring it up again, as well as trying to talk to my dietician about it.

So after all that, she has given me Orlistat 120mg or more commonly known as Alli, click here to read information about Orlistat. basically orlistat blocks about a third of the fat you eat from going into your system and works its way through undigested. you take one 3 times daily with your breakfast lunch and dinner. its not a wonder drug and you still have to diet, no offense to the people who have had good results on it, but i want something permanent, losing weight and then coming off tablets and putting it back on isnt what i want.

So far im on Day 2 of Orlistat and im going to be honest with you all. i hate it, the side effects are awful, i keep feeling sick, bloated and basically crap!! the website link above has a list of side effects that i will put here.

                                   The main side-effects are caused by the fat which is passed out with your faeces. You may get fatty smelly stools, urgency to get to the toilet, oily spotting on your underclothes, and excess wind. These side-effects are less likely if you eat a low-fat diet. They tend to settle with time, possibly because if they occur they remind you that you should be eating a low-fat diet! Other side-effects are rare. (Read the packet leaflet for a full list of possible side-effects.)

now this may sound simple to fix by not eating much fat but it is harder than it sounds, my appetite is a big problem for me, and eating a low fat diet that i enjoy is hard work and im not enjoy it, and even when i eat barely any fat, i still feel sick and bloated. I'm hoping that next time i see Dr. R i'll be able to get off this horrid tablets and get sorted with something that i can actually do.

*everyones entitled to there opinions and i encourage and love all your advice but I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from making the whole fat and lazy comments, im not lazy i am desperate to lose weight but i dont want to feel ill to get there!*

the one i lost

on thursday the 26th december i couldve been pregnant. but im not now. On friday i went to see a doctor as i was feeling really ill and also AF was VERY light, i was told to do a HPT on sunday and go in first thing this morning for a blood test, well when i did my hpt yesterday the 2 lines were there but were very faint, but i was hoping and praying that it was positive. After an agonising wait i was told by my doctor i was probably pregnant in the last week but i lost it, that why the lines were still there but faint because it happened recently. i came away from my doctors sat on a bench and i cried. i didnt know why i was crying, i didnt even know i was pregnant but every second of that 20 mins sat on that bench was gut wrenching. so i came home and got a coffee and jsut sat in silence by myself i always seem to cope better by myself. I hope there will be a next time for me, i cant wait to be a mummy, and i dont what i will do if i can't. I what i fail to understand somedays is how god could bless women with the precious gift to give life but missed me and the other wonderful ttc ladies out. but right now i am single so i doubt miraculous conception is an option but i hope in the very near future i will be a mummy, and i also hope that all the other wonderful ttc ladies will also be blessed with the gift to carry their own child.