Abandon ship.

I'm talking about the single boat here, everyone around me seems to be getting married in relationships!

I'm happy for them all but I wish it could be my turn now. I've been properly single for a very long time now. After mum died relationships were the last thing on my mind.

But I do want to settle down. I know in young but I wanna find someone and spend my life with them, get married and have a family. (having a family being the most unlikely)

I dunno, other people have noticed it and I get it. They say I have an old head on young shoulders and I do, but only because I've had too. I lived a carefree life before my dad got poorly, I was 11 years old and I had no idea and shit life can be.

When dad then died I had to pull it together. 6 months later I ended up becoming a carer for my mum when she got ill. I left my childhood at the door 8 years ago when I was 20.

I don't regret it though. Looking after my mum was a burden yes but also something I was and am proud to say I did.

Now my mum has died I have to learn to control finances, maintain my house and look after myself. I'm now an apprentice which means I go to college and work at the same time.

So yes. I am maybe to mature for my age but that's what life has given me so like it or not I live with it.

CD1!!!!

I never thought I would be writing this. After a 35 day cycle AF is here!! I'm happy about this but WTF is going on?? I go 10 months with nothing then poof, 2 in the space of 35 days. That is seriously weird.

Right. Blog updated, at the moment I haven't got a blog button anymore but that will come.

I just wanted a fresh update and layout, it's not professional and funky but oh well, at least its all ok.

Lots to tell you all!!!

I still have depression, i don't think that will be ending anytime soon but it's ok. that's something I'm dealing with. I have still out of control PCOS(no surprise there)

Good news! (well i think its good news), I have kinda started dating again. finally after 3 years!

We had 1 date on wednesday and one last night. he is lovely and everything but I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified of being close to someone. I'm so tough and independent, I don't want to let my guard down to someone unless I'm positive that I'm sure. It's just hard to explain to people, especially him.
I just don't know how to tell him why I'm like that. my history is a mess, no body wants to hear that.

Anyways, I'm afraid. I admit it. TMI coming up. I'm afraid of the intimacy side of things, giving someone that amount of control over me, and making myslef vulnerable. I struggle with that. after my mum and dad died. i just became so tough that giving over that control is hard. just gotta bring down some walls.

HARD WORK. But i wanna try. and hey, at least I'm trying :)

I am definitely gonna keep up with blogging now, doing it tonight has been quote therapeutic lol

Confused

Blogger seems to have become a little bit complicated. when did they mess it up ?!?!? its impossible to use and i don't like it.

But i cant use wordpress so blogger it is!

If anyone can help, I want one of them grab my button scroll boxes, i had one but i screwed up when i changed my blog. If anyone can help then I would appreciate it!

Good news for a change

I have good news for a change.

Ive been trying to lose weight for years with no success. over the past 3 weeks i have lost 13lbs. I was so happy to get on the scales and see that i had actually acheived something!

Also. after my mum died, i started smoking again. its now been a month since i quit smoking. i have had a couple on bad days BUT i'm still counting my past month as smoke free. its been so difficult to not smoke. i replied on cigarettes to calm me down and give me something to do so it has been difficult to give them up.

AND, i went  to see a medium tonight, was a group thing at a spiritual church and i got a message.

i was told my great grandma was there and my mum was with her. also that a gentlemen was there who passed in november (which was my dad). i do believe people are out there and it has been comforting to hear that they are there. she also said not to give uo if u want something then go get it.

I intend to follow that advice, i also intend to not start smoking again and also try and keep the weight off and lose more. wish me luck!!!!!

Made the change

I finally changed my blog, its taken me 8 months but i did it.

it was much harder than i thought it would be, it felt like i was letting go but i realised that my mum and caring would always be with me no matter what i changed.

all the lovely people on twitter and on my blog have been amazing to me the past 8 months.

When I've felt low or sad, i sign on twitter and there has always been someone there for me and i love each and every one of you for that! even though im not on twitter as much i hope you all know how much you mean to me :)

also, if anyone can help id appreciate it, i changed my button but i need to get the box underneath with the link so people can get my button. i cant remember how i did it before :/ if anyone can let me know where to get that please :)

A poem for Daddy

this is a poem dedicated to my dad. just wanted to share this with you all. i hope you like it <3

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school,

and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,

that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand,

if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;

she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,

for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school

eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone

to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called

a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,

every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"

she heard a boy call out.

"She probably doesn't have one,"

another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,

she heard a daddy say,

"Looks like another deadbeat dad,

too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,

as she smiled up at her Mom.

And looked back at her teacher,

who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,

slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child,

came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,

because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories

he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,

and ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him.

I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,

even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,

and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her

mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love

of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down, staring

straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,

he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here,

but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a policeman

and died just this past year

When airplanes hit the towers

and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it's like he never went away."

And then she closed her eyes,

and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,

she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,

who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"

to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers, of those once

filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,

for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the

love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never

too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an

hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then

an entire life to forget them.

gonna try and catch up

I wanna try and get back into the blogging world. My last post was back when my mum passed away. I've wanted to blog but I've not been in the mood. I've not been keeping as up to date on twitter as I used to but im trying to read everyones even if I don't post myself. It's hard to explain my life right now, I'm trying to find a purpose for myself and get my life on track. Losing weight and dealing with PCOS is the last thing on my mind at the minute. So to end this post: I'm gonna try and catch up and keep up to date with people on twitter, I have so many friends on there and I hate not tweeting. I'm gonna start updating my blog more. Even if it's not brilliant posting I'm gonna try. Thankyou for the patience and kindness I've received from everyone, I really do appreciate it, love you all!!!! xx

I Wanted To Say Goodbye

I don't think there is a good place for me to start, i have tried to bring myself to write in my blog for weeks. i finally have found the words to describe the things i want to say.

My last post was October and I am sorry for that, im gonna try my best to catch up with everything in this post.

My mum is the key part of this post. My mum lost her battle on the 12th of November, she passed away at home. I will never know exactly what casued it becasue i didnt want a post mortem for her but i and the doctors know that it was her health problems.

On the 8th of november she went into our local hospital because her diabetes was out of control, her levels were so high they were unreadable. she was there overnight adn the next morning she wanted to go home even though they were still quite high. within a couple of hours she was showing signs of compartment syndrome in her other arm, she had it in her left arm about a month before.

we were transferred to another hospital where she got quite poorly with her breathing, her heart couldn't cop and the fluid in her body was causing the compartment syndrome, the cure for this was an operation which they refused to do because they asid that 100% she would die in surgery. I stayed with her over night because she didnt want to be on her own. the next day she said she was coming home, we finally got home at 6pm that night, i had been up for 4 days so we went straight to bed.

I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 5 and it thought it was 5am, i saw my mum was out of bed so i got up and i found her, i thought she was alive so i tried to wake her up, i soon realised that my mum had gone.


An ambulance came and said that her time of death was around 8hrs before.  I will feel guilty forever for not not being with her, anyone will reading this will be thinking that i am an awful person for being asleep while it happened, i can't change that and i am going to live with that forever. you can never know how awful i feel or the hate i feel for myself because of it.

There was so much i had to say to her, things i had to do. When my dad died we had days to do all that.  I had so many things to say, i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and that i was sorry for the arguments we had, i wanted to tell her i wassorry for taking her to hospital, there was so much more.

I couldnt even see her when she was in the chapel of rest, i went and sat with her for what seemed like 2 minutes even though it was half hour. I never wanted to leave her.

her funeral was difficult for me. it was something i had never wanted to do, i don't even know that i got through that day.

the past few weeks have just whizzed past me, my life just seems to be moving without me.

I never thought i would be 18,alone, with my parents ashes in my living room.  It isn't fair, none of it is, the past 8 years have been so cruel.

My heart feels like it could burst, the pain i feel is so intense. I loved my mum so much and i always will, she has been such a big part of my life.. but i would do it all again in a heartbeat and i would give anything to have her back with me now.

but the worst part for me..

I wanted to say goodbye.

Happy Halloween! + update.

Happy halloween folks! I'm
not to keen on this holiday, it's irritating to have kids knocking on your door, especially when it's kids who are 14-15 yrs old ?!?! Either way, tonight I keep the lights dimmed and I ignore the older kids.

Also, I'm 39 days smokefree now!! I'm so pleased! I didn't think I would manage it, but I still struggle. Every day I get cravings still but I'm gonna keep up.

Today is movie day, I'm spending the day not moving and watching films. I watched Troy this morning and now im watching Hidalgo.

AND!

I started giving online dating a try a while back, I didn't really have much success, about 4 days ago I got a message off someone that didn't seem dodgy like the others, his name is Gareth and I really like him, we aren't together or anything yet but we are friends and are going from there. He lives about 60 miles away so it is long distance right now but that's ok.


That's the only interesting stuff going on right now, sorry I haven't blogged much! I will do my best to get back into it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

long awaited update.

i can't believe how long its been since i last updated my blog! a LOT has happened. I'm not gonna go into detail or i would be here til next year but i will do a summary of the past month for everything.

• my mum went in hospital with double pneumonia. we thought she was going to die but she came through it. a week later she went back into hospital with a DVT, she had a fasciotomy which has been left open so we are hoping that's the end of it. she needs a scan next week to see if there are any blocked vessels or any more clots.

• i went on my first train!!! when my mum went into hospital for her DVT, she was 50 miles away so if i went by bus it would've taken hours. i went on my very first train and to be honest i would happily NEVER get on one again. i had awful motion sickness and i didn't like it one bit.

• i set up a new blog. I'm keeping this one but i created a proper new blog separate from this one so that i can control my ramblings. so i blog here and i blog over at Secret Diary Of A Fat Girl now too.

• CYCLE UPDATE. I'm now CD70, as usual I'm long overdue but that has become very normal, no signs of anything happening so i think I'm in for the long game again.

That is a summarised update of my life this month. its been a really busy few weeks but now I have my mum home I'm hoping things can calm down and i can get everything back to normal.

TAG your it!

I'm on my iPod touch so this post is gonna be a little weird. I apologise in advance!

I was tagged by the lovely
http://mom2reagan.blogspot.com/ for this post :) even though I can't get on a pc right now I still wanna do this one.


1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would go to Canada to try and find my relatives.

2. What is your happiest childhood memory? I was 6 and I was scared of dying. My dad told me I had 94 years left yet! Doesn't sound amazingly happy but for me it was :)

3. Do you have any nicknames? How did you get them? My friend calls me buttercup. She always says "what's up buttercup" that's where it comes from

4. What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far? Joining twitter! I have made so many great friends through it!

Have fun playing along and I can't wait to see everyone's answers!

Because I can't tag properly, I'm giving this to the first 5 people who can comment saying they are gonna do it! 5 people only though so be quick and you have to nominate 5 too!


Posted from my iPod touch.

Fear is a dangerous thing.

I haven't written anything on here in a while. A lot has gone on. I'm gonna start at the top so this may be a long post, feel free to skip this one.

On the 12th of September my mum hasn't been feeling well, thought she had picked up a bug that has been going around. at about 10pm she was complaining of feeling sick and she wasn't feeling good, she was also struggling to breathe. I rang our out of hours GP service and the doctor who rang back said she was gonna send an ambulance.

We live 2 minutes from a hospital but the ambulance decided they wanted to take us to one 35 miles away. I wasn't happy, I have no relatives or friends and I don't drive. When we got there she was just left for 2 hours. We eventually saw a doctor who put her in the resuscitation room because her oxygen levels were very low. They should be between 97%-100% but mums were stuck at about 74%, doctors start worrying about 93% so mums level weren't good and oxygen wasn't doing much.

About 3hrs later she was admitted and put on IV antibiotics, her blood tests showed she had an infection but they didn't know where. On the Tuesday, doctors came to see her and said that she might not make it, her X rays showed shadows all over her lungs. I came to see her and she told me all this. We talked and she told me that she was gonna sign a DNR, DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It meant that if the worst happened then my mum wouldn't be brought back. Luckily we didn't need that. But it got close. At discharge she was given a load of papers for her GP, they say that diagnosis was pneumonia and the infection was in her bladder, she has got oxygen in the house now she's need 24hrs a day. Without it she gets really out of breath and her oxygen levels drop. Right now the oxygen is keeping her alive. We don't know how long she will need oxygen at home, it may be permanent but we don't know.

While my mum was in hospital I received amazing messages of support from my lovely twitter friends! I was on a bus 4hrs a day so having all that support helped me so much. I really do love you all!!


Posted from my iPod touch.

46 hours and 3 red bulls later.

Well. It all started 8pm Sunday night, my mum hadn't been feeling well all day but at 8 she started getting really wheezy and couldn't breathe properly. Spoke to a GP on the phone who sent an ambulance. It came and we were getting sorted for going to hospital. I thought we were going to the one that is literally 4 mins away by car/ambulance. But no, the paramedics decided they wanted to go to a hospital 40 miles away!! Leaving me with an ill mum and stranded because I don't drive and we have no relatives.

Come 4am, mum is still poorly but stable enough to move to a ward. She was and still is in a lot of pain :(

I left about 10am, I was exhausted, had been up over a day. Took the 2nd bus journey then another bus and finally got home.

I'd just got comfy in bed when the phone rang. Mum was really poorly and was asking for me. I got dressed and went back on another bus and then the 2nd bus again to get there.

When I got there she was really upset. She told me that she thought she was gonna die. My mum is a non practicing Methodist but she even asked for the hospital vicar (a family friend) to come see her.

That had me crazy worried. She's having a lot of problems with her lungs which will hopefully be sorted by wednesday.

For now, you know everything I do.

I want to thank ALL the amazing people on twitter who sent me the most lovely tweets, I was reading them in the ambulance and I read some to mum :) I can't thank you all enough! It really does mean a lot to me when i know there are people who care <3

What's in my handbag.

My handbag is full of crap so this will be a boring post !

My handbag isn't interesting, it's black with a zip lol, I can't get a pic because it's not sold online.

I'll list the stuff in my handbag so it's easy to read.

1. My purse, it's black and leather and I love it!
2. Calculator.
3.nail file.
4.receipts and bits of paper.
5.2010 diary.
6.pens.
7.tampons.
8.makeup,lipgloss,mascara etc.
9.headphones.
10.my LG KS360
11.headache tablets.
12.tissues.
13.special K mini breaks.
14.tweezers.
15. Nail clippers.
16.hole punch. (weird?)

That's it :) it's not that interesting if I'm honest but oh well, enjoy :)

Very erotic experience.

*warning* this is a funny post but I appreciate it may not be tasteful to some, contains references of strippers and male nudity.


I'm sharing this on my blog and also the happy hour blog because this story is honestly to good to miss!

I'd heard a local bar was doing a ladies night with a drag queen and strippers, I was in! I roped in a friend to go with me.

The drag queen was amazing! He was so funny, he was called Candy Couture and he kissed me!!

Then the first stripper came on! He was dressed up as a gladiator, with the loincloth and everything :D he was dancing and stripping, he got down to his thongs *drools* and grabbed this poor girl,picked her up and started humping her !! That was so funny and oh so kinky lol! Then everything came off!!! He poured baby lotion all over himself and I mean EVERYWHERE. then he was dancing around nude practically in womens faces! He.was.hot.

Then number 2 came on, he was a policeman, did the dancing then stripping, got to his pants, then got a girl from the audience, handcuffed and blindfolded her and rubbed her hands all over him! He was so sexy :D

The number 3 came on as a sailor!!! He was my favourite, so hot !! He did dancing and stripped, then he was dancing with fire with only thongs on! Then he come round to me and poured baby oil in my hands, went back to the stage, took EVERYTHING else off then came back to me !!! I rubbed him ALL over with baby oil, how kinky does it get ?!?! My friend was practically peeing herself! Then he sat on my lap!! I wasnt expecting it lol there was grinding and bum groping involved too!! Honestly, if I had dropped dead I would have died happy! Including a pic of him humping my friend before he got naked ;)






Pic of me and someone I knew from school after it finished, I'm on the left :)





I had an amazing time !! And I did plenty of groping for all my twitter ladies who couldn't be there :P



Posted from my iPod touch.

After all the waiting..

Drum roll please !!!

AF showed up on Friday!!!! I was so happy. I mean happy, I've been waiting so long and worrying my head off. I was having pre-AF symptoms on Thursday so I knew AF was coming. Then on friday she showed up! My periods are never easy and this one is no different, I got AWFUL cramps but I can live with that, I'm just happy that it showed up.

I have an app on my iPod called period tracker and when I opened it to mark my period staring I got this lol






Posted from my iPod touch.

Alone with my thoughts.

WARNING: this is a miserable post, I needed to put my thoughts somewhere, it's random mumblings so if you have no idea what I'm talking about then don't worry :)


My mums asleep, there's nothing I wanna watch on tv so I'm here. In silence. Alone with my thoughts. This is a bad thing, when I sit in the quiet doing nothing my brain starts going frantic with bad stuff. I think about me getting cancer and dying, this terrifies the crap outta me, I watched my dad suffer for 10 months from cancer until he couldn't fight anymore, I was there when my hero took his last breath. We had known for a few hours that it was coming but it didn't prepare me. I was 12, I'm 18 now and it haunts me even now but I don't regret it, I would never have forgiven myself if I had left, it wasn't pretty to watch his life slip away. The memory is etched into my brain. I loved him and he died. Roll forward 6 months and my mum is now wheel chair bound requiring round the clock care. Go forward 2 years and I'm told I have really bad PCOS, lots of large cysts on my ovaries that aren't going anywhere, my fertility taken from me, and my last bit of normality gone. I worry that the absence of my menstrual cycles will give me cancer, I know it's a possibility. With no treatment available to me and natural methods failing my mind goes to death. Not much frightens me, after everything that's happened I've learned that life can be a pile of shit and life is unfair, only a select few get a blessed life. But death frightens me, more than anything else I fear dying. I fear for my mum, she's not well and I'm scared of something happening to her, some may call it a blessing because of her health, but death is never a blessing. I'm scared of growing old alone and childless. I fear that the world is moving on and I'm left behind in limbo. I want to experience the joy of children, a life you create through whatever means.

Someone I know said that looking after my mum will make me alone. If someone can't handle the fact that my mum needs me then fuck them! They aren't worth it to me.

Someone asked me yesterday "what does being a carer really mean ? Are you just a glorified slave?"

No I'm not a slave. Being a full time carer means that someone depends on you, your life isn't just yours, if your hurt then what happens to the person you care for? You share your life with someone who is sick,disabled or both. I love being a carer, I love my mum and I don't care what anyone says about it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

Where is AF !?!?

I'm going bonkers. Bonkers I tell you! I have tried everything to get things 'going', ginger,parsley tea, herbs. All manner of strange things that are supposed to do the job. I got no pre-AF signs. Diddly squat.

This is where I'm at, I use 2 apps on my iPod touch so I've got both pictures :)










Posted from my iPod touch.

*updated* fitness programme.

I had a reassesment on my fitness programme today. Every 18 sessions your programme is updated. I will include my old programme and then at the bottom I will write my new one.

Old one:
20mins on the treadmill at 3mph.
Elliptical machine (cross trainer) fat burn programme, 10mins.
Chest press, 40kg x30.
Lateral pull down. 40kg x30.
Ab crunch machine. 60kg x30.
Dumbells. 4kg x30.
Powerplate, squats, 90 seconds. Lunges 90 seconds.

That was my old workout which was pretty good, now I have an updated one.

20mins on treadmill 3.2mph on a fat burn programme.
15 minutes on the cross trainer on fat burn programme.
Chest press 50kg x36 reps.
Lateral pull down, 50kg x36.
Dumbell curls 4kg x40.
Power plate, squats 90 seconds, lunges 90 seconds, hamstring stretch 90 seconds.

There's something else but I can't remember, it is a lot harder especially for me but I'm gonna try really hard to push myself, especially on the cross trainer.

Posted from my iPod touch.