gonna try and catch up

I wanna try and get back into the blogging world. My last post was back when my mum passed away. I've wanted to blog but I've not been in the mood. I've not been keeping as up to date on twitter as I used to but im trying to read everyones even if I don't post myself. It's hard to explain my life right now, I'm trying to find a purpose for myself and get my life on track. Losing weight and dealing with PCOS is the last thing on my mind at the minute. So to end this post: I'm gonna try and catch up and keep up to date with people on twitter, I have so many friends on there and I hate not tweeting. I'm gonna start updating my blog more. Even if it's not brilliant posting I'm gonna try. Thankyou for the patience and kindness I've received from everyone, I really do appreciate it, love you all!!!! xx

I Wanted To Say Goodbye

I don't think there is a good place for me to start, i have tried to bring myself to write in my blog for weeks. i finally have found the words to describe the things i want to say.

My last post was October and I am sorry for that, im gonna try my best to catch up with everything in this post.

My mum is the key part of this post. My mum lost her battle on the 12th of November, she passed away at home. I will never know exactly what casued it becasue i didnt want a post mortem for her but i and the doctors know that it was her health problems.

On the 8th of november she went into our local hospital because her diabetes was out of control, her levels were so high they were unreadable. she was there overnight adn the next morning she wanted to go home even though they were still quite high. within a couple of hours she was showing signs of compartment syndrome in her other arm, she had it in her left arm about a month before.

we were transferred to another hospital where she got quite poorly with her breathing, her heart couldn't cop and the fluid in her body was causing the compartment syndrome, the cure for this was an operation which they refused to do because they asid that 100% she would die in surgery. I stayed with her over night because she didnt want to be on her own. the next day she said she was coming home, we finally got home at 6pm that night, i had been up for 4 days so we went straight to bed.

I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 5 and it thought it was 5am, i saw my mum was out of bed so i got up and i found her, i thought she was alive so i tried to wake her up, i soon realised that my mum had gone.


An ambulance came and said that her time of death was around 8hrs before.  I will feel guilty forever for not not being with her, anyone will reading this will be thinking that i am an awful person for being asleep while it happened, i can't change that and i am going to live with that forever. you can never know how awful i feel or the hate i feel for myself because of it.

There was so much i had to say to her, things i had to do. When my dad died we had days to do all that.  I had so many things to say, i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and that i was sorry for the arguments we had, i wanted to tell her i wassorry for taking her to hospital, there was so much more.

I couldnt even see her when she was in the chapel of rest, i went and sat with her for what seemed like 2 minutes even though it was half hour. I never wanted to leave her.

her funeral was difficult for me. it was something i had never wanted to do, i don't even know that i got through that day.

the past few weeks have just whizzed past me, my life just seems to be moving without me.

I never thought i would be 18,alone, with my parents ashes in my living room.  It isn't fair, none of it is, the past 8 years have been so cruel.

My heart feels like it could burst, the pain i feel is so intense. I loved my mum so much and i always will, she has been such a big part of my life.. but i would do it all again in a heartbeat and i would give anything to have her back with me now.

but the worst part for me..

I wanted to say goodbye.

Happy Halloween! + update.

Happy halloween folks! I'm
not to keen on this holiday, it's irritating to have kids knocking on your door, especially when it's kids who are 14-15 yrs old ?!?! Either way, tonight I keep the lights dimmed and I ignore the older kids.

Also, I'm 39 days smokefree now!! I'm so pleased! I didn't think I would manage it, but I still struggle. Every day I get cravings still but I'm gonna keep up.

Today is movie day, I'm spending the day not moving and watching films. I watched Troy this morning and now im watching Hidalgo.

AND!

I started giving online dating a try a while back, I didn't really have much success, about 4 days ago I got a message off someone that didn't seem dodgy like the others, his name is Gareth and I really like him, we aren't together or anything yet but we are friends and are going from there. He lives about 60 miles away so it is long distance right now but that's ok.


That's the only interesting stuff going on right now, sorry I haven't blogged much! I will do my best to get back into it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

long awaited update.

i can't believe how long its been since i last updated my blog! a LOT has happened. I'm not gonna go into detail or i would be here til next year but i will do a summary of the past month for everything.

• my mum went in hospital with double pneumonia. we thought she was going to die but she came through it. a week later she went back into hospital with a DVT, she had a fasciotomy which has been left open so we are hoping that's the end of it. she needs a scan next week to see if there are any blocked vessels or any more clots.

• i went on my first train!!! when my mum went into hospital for her DVT, she was 50 miles away so if i went by bus it would've taken hours. i went on my very first train and to be honest i would happily NEVER get on one again. i had awful motion sickness and i didn't like it one bit.

• i set up a new blog. I'm keeping this one but i created a proper new blog separate from this one so that i can control my ramblings. so i blog here and i blog over at Secret Diary Of A Fat Girl now too.

• CYCLE UPDATE. I'm now CD70, as usual I'm long overdue but that has become very normal, no signs of anything happening so i think I'm in for the long game again.

That is a summarised update of my life this month. its been a really busy few weeks but now I have my mum home I'm hoping things can calm down and i can get everything back to normal.

TAG your it!

I'm on my iPod touch so this post is gonna be a little weird. I apologise in advance!

I was tagged by the lovely
http://mom2reagan.blogspot.com/ for this post :) even though I can't get on a pc right now I still wanna do this one.


1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would go to Canada to try and find my relatives.

2. What is your happiest childhood memory? I was 6 and I was scared of dying. My dad told me I had 94 years left yet! Doesn't sound amazingly happy but for me it was :)

3. Do you have any nicknames? How did you get them? My friend calls me buttercup. She always says "what's up buttercup" that's where it comes from

4. What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far? Joining twitter! I have made so many great friends through it!

Have fun playing along and I can't wait to see everyone's answers!

Because I can't tag properly, I'm giving this to the first 5 people who can comment saying they are gonna do it! 5 people only though so be quick and you have to nominate 5 too!


Posted from my iPod touch.

Fear is a dangerous thing.

I haven't written anything on here in a while. A lot has gone on. I'm gonna start at the top so this may be a long post, feel free to skip this one.

On the 12th of September my mum hasn't been feeling well, thought she had picked up a bug that has been going around. at about 10pm she was complaining of feeling sick and she wasn't feeling good, she was also struggling to breathe. I rang our out of hours GP service and the doctor who rang back said she was gonna send an ambulance.

We live 2 minutes from a hospital but the ambulance decided they wanted to take us to one 35 miles away. I wasn't happy, I have no relatives or friends and I don't drive. When we got there she was just left for 2 hours. We eventually saw a doctor who put her in the resuscitation room because her oxygen levels were very low. They should be between 97%-100% but mums were stuck at about 74%, doctors start worrying about 93% so mums level weren't good and oxygen wasn't doing much.

About 3hrs later she was admitted and put on IV antibiotics, her blood tests showed she had an infection but they didn't know where. On the Tuesday, doctors came to see her and said that she might not make it, her X rays showed shadows all over her lungs. I came to see her and she told me all this. We talked and she told me that she was gonna sign a DNR, DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It meant that if the worst happened then my mum wouldn't be brought back. Luckily we didn't need that. But it got close. At discharge she was given a load of papers for her GP, they say that diagnosis was pneumonia and the infection was in her bladder, she has got oxygen in the house now she's need 24hrs a day. Without it she gets really out of breath and her oxygen levels drop. Right now the oxygen is keeping her alive. We don't know how long she will need oxygen at home, it may be permanent but we don't know.

While my mum was in hospital I received amazing messages of support from my lovely twitter friends! I was on a bus 4hrs a day so having all that support helped me so much. I really do love you all!!


Posted from my iPod touch.

46 hours and 3 red bulls later.

Well. It all started 8pm Sunday night, my mum hadn't been feeling well all day but at 8 she started getting really wheezy and couldn't breathe properly. Spoke to a GP on the phone who sent an ambulance. It came and we were getting sorted for going to hospital. I thought we were going to the one that is literally 4 mins away by car/ambulance. But no, the paramedics decided they wanted to go to a hospital 40 miles away!! Leaving me with an ill mum and stranded because I don't drive and we have no relatives.

Come 4am, mum is still poorly but stable enough to move to a ward. She was and still is in a lot of pain :(

I left about 10am, I was exhausted, had been up over a day. Took the 2nd bus journey then another bus and finally got home.

I'd just got comfy in bed when the phone rang. Mum was really poorly and was asking for me. I got dressed and went back on another bus and then the 2nd bus again to get there.

When I got there she was really upset. She told me that she thought she was gonna die. My mum is a non practicing Methodist but she even asked for the hospital vicar (a family friend) to come see her.

That had me crazy worried. She's having a lot of problems with her lungs which will hopefully be sorted by wednesday.

For now, you know everything I do.

I want to thank ALL the amazing people on twitter who sent me the most lovely tweets, I was reading them in the ambulance and I read some to mum :) I can't thank you all enough! It really does mean a lot to me when i know there are people who care <3