Wednesday, 29 December 2010

I Wanted To Say Goodbye

I don't think there is a good place for me to start, i have tried to bring myself to write in my blog for weeks. i finally have found the words to describe the things i want to say.

My last post was October and I am sorry for that, im gonna try my best to catch up with everything in this post.

My mum is the key part of this post. My mum lost her battle on the 12th of November, she passed away at home. I will never know exactly what casued it becasue i didnt want a post mortem for her but i and the doctors know that it was her health problems.

On the 8th of november she went into our local hospital because her diabetes was out of control, her levels were so high they were unreadable. she was there overnight adn the next morning she wanted to go home even though they were still quite high. within a couple of hours she was showing signs of compartment syndrome in her other arm, she had it in her left arm about a month before.

we were transferred to another hospital where she got quite poorly with her breathing, her heart couldn't cop and the fluid in her body was causing the compartment syndrome, the cure for this was an operation which they refused to do because they asid that 100% she would die in surgery. I stayed with her over night because she didnt want to be on her own. the next day she said she was coming home, we finally got home at 6pm that night, i had been up for 4 days so we went straight to bed.

I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 5 and it thought it was 5am, i saw my mum was out of bed so i got up and i found her, i thought she was alive so i tried to wake her up, i soon realised that my mum had gone.

An ambulance came and said that her time of death was around 8hrs before.  I will feel guilty forever for not not being with her, anyone will reading this will be thinking that i am an awful person for being asleep while it happened, i can't change that and i am going to live with that forever. you can never know how awful i feel or the hate i feel for myself because of it.

There was so much i had to say to her, things i had to do. When my dad died we had days to do all that.  I had so many things to say, i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and that i was sorry for the arguments we had, i wanted to tell her i wassorry for taking her to hospital, there was so much more.

I couldnt even see her when she was in the chapel of rest, i went and sat with her for what seemed like 2 minutes even though it was half hour. I never wanted to leave her.

her funeral was difficult for me. it was something i had never wanted to do, i don't even know that i got through that day.

the past few weeks have just whizzed past me, my life just seems to be moving without me.

I never thought i would be 18,alone, with my parents ashes in my living room.  It isn't fair, none of it is, the past 8 years have been so cruel.

My heart feels like it could burst, the pain i feel is so intense. I loved my mum so much and i always will, she has been such a big part of my life.. but i would do it all again in a heartbeat and i would give anything to have her back with me now.

but the worst part for me..

I wanted to say goodbye.


BroodyIVFMummy said...

You cared for you Mum when she needed you. You are not a bad person that your Mum passed when you were asleep. Life is cruel but you could do nothing more than what you did. Your Mum knew how much you loved h. The only person you need to seek forgiveness from is yourself. Xxx

Goodyear Family said...

*hugs* You couldn't have known she would die while you sleep. You can't beat yourself up for that. I think that no matter whether you know when somebody is going to die or not, we will always have something we wish we could tell them. It was that way with my grandmother. I knew it was coming and still have so much to tell her. I hope things get better for you.

missohkay said...

Cara, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Don't be so hard on yourself for not being there when she died. You couldn't have known. Even just following you for the last 6 months, I knew how much you love her, so she certainly knew it too. Thinking of you always <3

Jin said...

Oh sweetheart, no one is saying you're a bad person for being asleep when your mum passed. I think she would rather you be asleep when she passed peacefully than be awake. Plus you were taking care of her and hadn't slept in days! If you're no longer blogging, please show up on twitter every so often so we know you are ok. We will miss you.

Lady of the Ozarks said...

I'm sorry for your loss. She knows you loved her.

SingleMamaAdventures said...

*hugs* I'm teary eyed reading your blog. I agree with everyone had no way of knowing what would happen while you were sleep. You had your moms back 100%, your mom loves you and won't ever forget how wonderful of a daughter you were to her and still is. I know we haven't tweeted much lately and I'm just now coming to your blog...but I still would love to hear from you from time to time should you ever decide to stop blogging or leave twtter.

Nikke Brown said...

I know it's easier said than done, but don't blame yourself for being asleep.
You didn't know this was going to happen and you can't sit there and beat yourself up for it.
I did it for many years when my dad died..even went through a couple of nut houses.
I'm so sorry you lost everyone by the time you turned 18. My heart goes out to you. *Hugs*

Tillie said...

Oh sweetie I know what you are feeling...when my grandma (who was really my mother) passed away - I was here. With a dead cell phone. But I know now a couple years later it was for the best. She wouldn't have wanted my last memory of her to be her dying. Instead I go back to the last time I saw her and said I love you to her. I know this is a horrible/hard time for you...we are here for you to be your support, your friend, your anything. I love you and miss you. *hugs*

The Quest For Baby Hang said...

I'm so very sorry sweetie... I've lost 2 parents myself..I know how hard&tough it is. I just want you to know that I'm here for you&that I love you so much&miss you. I know I've been MIA the last few months because of the stuff going on in my life&I'm so so so so very sorry I haven't been around. I wish I had your number so I could call you... I love you girl, I hope to talk to you very soon. I love my carabear!!! *hugs*

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