I Wanted To Say Goodbye

I don't think there is a good place for me to start, i have tried to bring myself to write in my blog for weeks. i finally have found the words to describe the things i want to say.

My last post was October and I am sorry for that, im gonna try my best to catch up with everything in this post.

My mum is the key part of this post. My mum lost her battle on the 12th of November, she passed away at home. I will never know exactly what casued it becasue i didnt want a post mortem for her but i and the doctors know that it was her health problems.

On the 8th of november she went into our local hospital because her diabetes was out of control, her levels were so high they were unreadable. she was there overnight adn the next morning she wanted to go home even though they were still quite high. within a couple of hours she was showing signs of compartment syndrome in her other arm, she had it in her left arm about a month before.

we were transferred to another hospital where she got quite poorly with her breathing, her heart couldn't cop and the fluid in her body was causing the compartment syndrome, the cure for this was an operation which they refused to do because they asid that 100% she would die in surgery. I stayed with her over night because she didnt want to be on her own. the next day she said she was coming home, we finally got home at 6pm that night, i had been up for 4 days so we went straight to bed.

I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 5 and it thought it was 5am, i saw my mum was out of bed so i got up and i found her, i thought she was alive so i tried to wake her up, i soon realised that my mum had gone.


An ambulance came and said that her time of death was around 8hrs before.  I will feel guilty forever for not not being with her, anyone will reading this will be thinking that i am an awful person for being asleep while it happened, i can't change that and i am going to live with that forever. you can never know how awful i feel or the hate i feel for myself because of it.

There was so much i had to say to her, things i had to do. When my dad died we had days to do all that.  I had so many things to say, i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and that i was sorry for the arguments we had, i wanted to tell her i wassorry for taking her to hospital, there was so much more.

I couldnt even see her when she was in the chapel of rest, i went and sat with her for what seemed like 2 minutes even though it was half hour. I never wanted to leave her.

her funeral was difficult for me. it was something i had never wanted to do, i don't even know that i got through that day.

the past few weeks have just whizzed past me, my life just seems to be moving without me.

I never thought i would be 18,alone, with my parents ashes in my living room.  It isn't fair, none of it is, the past 8 years have been so cruel.

My heart feels like it could burst, the pain i feel is so intense. I loved my mum so much and i always will, she has been such a big part of my life.. but i would do it all again in a heartbeat and i would give anything to have her back with me now.

but the worst part for me..

I wanted to say goodbye.

Happy Halloween! + update.

Happy halloween folks! I'm
not to keen on this holiday, it's irritating to have kids knocking on your door, especially when it's kids who are 14-15 yrs old ?!?! Either way, tonight I keep the lights dimmed and I ignore the older kids.

Also, I'm 39 days smokefree now!! I'm so pleased! I didn't think I would manage it, but I still struggle. Every day I get cravings still but I'm gonna keep up.

Today is movie day, I'm spending the day not moving and watching films. I watched Troy this morning and now im watching Hidalgo.

AND!

I started giving online dating a try a while back, I didn't really have much success, about 4 days ago I got a message off someone that didn't seem dodgy like the others, his name is Gareth and I really like him, we aren't together or anything yet but we are friends and are going from there. He lives about 60 miles away so it is long distance right now but that's ok.


That's the only interesting stuff going on right now, sorry I haven't blogged much! I will do my best to get back into it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

long awaited update.

i can't believe how long its been since i last updated my blog! a LOT has happened. I'm not gonna go into detail or i would be here til next year but i will do a summary of the past month for everything.

• my mum went in hospital with double pneumonia. we thought she was going to die but she came through it. a week later she went back into hospital with a DVT, she had a fasciotomy which has been left open so we are hoping that's the end of it. she needs a scan next week to see if there are any blocked vessels or any more clots.

• i went on my first train!!! when my mum went into hospital for her DVT, she was 50 miles away so if i went by bus it would've taken hours. i went on my very first train and to be honest i would happily NEVER get on one again. i had awful motion sickness and i didn't like it one bit.

• i set up a new blog. I'm keeping this one but i created a proper new blog separate from this one so that i can control my ramblings. so i blog here and i blog over at Secret Diary Of A Fat Girl now too.

• CYCLE UPDATE. I'm now CD70, as usual I'm long overdue but that has become very normal, no signs of anything happening so i think I'm in for the long game again.

That is a summarised update of my life this month. its been a really busy few weeks but now I have my mum home I'm hoping things can calm down and i can get everything back to normal.

TAG your it!

I'm on my iPod touch so this post is gonna be a little weird. I apologise in advance!

I was tagged by the lovely
http://mom2reagan.blogspot.com/ for this post :) even though I can't get on a pc right now I still wanna do this one.


1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would go to Canada to try and find my relatives.

2. What is your happiest childhood memory? I was 6 and I was scared of dying. My dad told me I had 94 years left yet! Doesn't sound amazingly happy but for me it was :)

3. Do you have any nicknames? How did you get them? My friend calls me buttercup. She always says "what's up buttercup" that's where it comes from

4. What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far? Joining twitter! I have made so many great friends through it!

Have fun playing along and I can't wait to see everyone's answers!

Because I can't tag properly, I'm giving this to the first 5 people who can comment saying they are gonna do it! 5 people only though so be quick and you have to nominate 5 too!


Posted from my iPod touch.

Fear is a dangerous thing.

I haven't written anything on here in a while. A lot has gone on. I'm gonna start at the top so this may be a long post, feel free to skip this one.

On the 12th of September my mum hasn't been feeling well, thought she had picked up a bug that has been going around. at about 10pm she was complaining of feeling sick and she wasn't feeling good, she was also struggling to breathe. I rang our out of hours GP service and the doctor who rang back said she was gonna send an ambulance.

We live 2 minutes from a hospital but the ambulance decided they wanted to take us to one 35 miles away. I wasn't happy, I have no relatives or friends and I don't drive. When we got there she was just left for 2 hours. We eventually saw a doctor who put her in the resuscitation room because her oxygen levels were very low. They should be between 97%-100% but mums were stuck at about 74%, doctors start worrying about 93% so mums level weren't good and oxygen wasn't doing much.

About 3hrs later she was admitted and put on IV antibiotics, her blood tests showed she had an infection but they didn't know where. On the Tuesday, doctors came to see her and said that she might not make it, her X rays showed shadows all over her lungs. I came to see her and she told me all this. We talked and she told me that she was gonna sign a DNR, DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It meant that if the worst happened then my mum wouldn't be brought back. Luckily we didn't need that. But it got close. At discharge she was given a load of papers for her GP, they say that diagnosis was pneumonia and the infection was in her bladder, she has got oxygen in the house now she's need 24hrs a day. Without it she gets really out of breath and her oxygen levels drop. Right now the oxygen is keeping her alive. We don't know how long she will need oxygen at home, it may be permanent but we don't know.

While my mum was in hospital I received amazing messages of support from my lovely twitter friends! I was on a bus 4hrs a day so having all that support helped me so much. I really do love you all!!


Posted from my iPod touch.

46 hours and 3 red bulls later.

Well. It all started 8pm Sunday night, my mum hadn't been feeling well all day but at 8 she started getting really wheezy and couldn't breathe properly. Spoke to a GP on the phone who sent an ambulance. It came and we were getting sorted for going to hospital. I thought we were going to the one that is literally 4 mins away by car/ambulance. But no, the paramedics decided they wanted to go to a hospital 40 miles away!! Leaving me with an ill mum and stranded because I don't drive and we have no relatives.

Come 4am, mum is still poorly but stable enough to move to a ward. She was and still is in a lot of pain :(

I left about 10am, I was exhausted, had been up over a day. Took the 2nd bus journey then another bus and finally got home.

I'd just got comfy in bed when the phone rang. Mum was really poorly and was asking for me. I got dressed and went back on another bus and then the 2nd bus again to get there.

When I got there she was really upset. She told me that she thought she was gonna die. My mum is a non practicing Methodist but she even asked for the hospital vicar (a family friend) to come see her.

That had me crazy worried. She's having a lot of problems with her lungs which will hopefully be sorted by wednesday.

For now, you know everything I do.

I want to thank ALL the amazing people on twitter who sent me the most lovely tweets, I was reading them in the ambulance and I read some to mum :) I can't thank you all enough! It really does mean a lot to me when i know there are people who care <3

What's in my handbag.

My handbag is full of crap so this will be a boring post !

My handbag isn't interesting, it's black with a zip lol, I can't get a pic because it's not sold online.

I'll list the stuff in my handbag so it's easy to read.

1. My purse, it's black and leather and I love it!
2. Calculator.
3.nail file.
4.receipts and bits of paper.
5.2010 diary.
6.pens.
7.tampons.
8.makeup,lipgloss,mascara etc.
9.headphones.
10.my LG KS360
11.headache tablets.
12.tissues.
13.special K mini breaks.
14.tweezers.
15. Nail clippers.
16.hole punch. (weird?)

That's it :) it's not that interesting if I'm honest but oh well, enjoy :)

Very erotic experience.

*warning* this is a funny post but I appreciate it may not be tasteful to some, contains references of strippers and male nudity.


I'm sharing this on my blog and also the happy hour blog because this story is honestly to good to miss!

I'd heard a local bar was doing a ladies night with a drag queen and strippers, I was in! I roped in a friend to go with me.

The drag queen was amazing! He was so funny, he was called Candy Couture and he kissed me!!

Then the first stripper came on! He was dressed up as a gladiator, with the loincloth and everything :D he was dancing and stripping, he got down to his thongs *drools* and grabbed this poor girl,picked her up and started humping her !! That was so funny and oh so kinky lol! Then everything came off!!! He poured baby lotion all over himself and I mean EVERYWHERE. then he was dancing around nude practically in womens faces! He.was.hot.

Then number 2 came on, he was a policeman, did the dancing then stripping, got to his pants, then got a girl from the audience, handcuffed and blindfolded her and rubbed her hands all over him! He was so sexy :D

The number 3 came on as a sailor!!! He was my favourite, so hot !! He did dancing and stripped, then he was dancing with fire with only thongs on! Then he come round to me and poured baby oil in my hands, went back to the stage, took EVERYTHING else off then came back to me !!! I rubbed him ALL over with baby oil, how kinky does it get ?!?! My friend was practically peeing herself! Then he sat on my lap!! I wasnt expecting it lol there was grinding and bum groping involved too!! Honestly, if I had dropped dead I would have died happy! Including a pic of him humping my friend before he got naked ;)






Pic of me and someone I knew from school after it finished, I'm on the left :)





I had an amazing time !! And I did plenty of groping for all my twitter ladies who couldn't be there :P



Posted from my iPod touch.

After all the waiting..

Drum roll please !!!

AF showed up on Friday!!!! I was so happy. I mean happy, I've been waiting so long and worrying my head off. I was having pre-AF symptoms on Thursday so I knew AF was coming. Then on friday she showed up! My periods are never easy and this one is no different, I got AWFUL cramps but I can live with that, I'm just happy that it showed up.

I have an app on my iPod called period tracker and when I opened it to mark my period staring I got this lol






Posted from my iPod touch.

Alone with my thoughts.

WARNING: this is a miserable post, I needed to put my thoughts somewhere, it's random mumblings so if you have no idea what I'm talking about then don't worry :)


My mums asleep, there's nothing I wanna watch on tv so I'm here. In silence. Alone with my thoughts. This is a bad thing, when I sit in the quiet doing nothing my brain starts going frantic with bad stuff. I think about me getting cancer and dying, this terrifies the crap outta me, I watched my dad suffer for 10 months from cancer until he couldn't fight anymore, I was there when my hero took his last breath. We had known for a few hours that it was coming but it didn't prepare me. I was 12, I'm 18 now and it haunts me even now but I don't regret it, I would never have forgiven myself if I had left, it wasn't pretty to watch his life slip away. The memory is etched into my brain. I loved him and he died. Roll forward 6 months and my mum is now wheel chair bound requiring round the clock care. Go forward 2 years and I'm told I have really bad PCOS, lots of large cysts on my ovaries that aren't going anywhere, my fertility taken from me, and my last bit of normality gone. I worry that the absence of my menstrual cycles will give me cancer, I know it's a possibility. With no treatment available to me and natural methods failing my mind goes to death. Not much frightens me, after everything that's happened I've learned that life can be a pile of shit and life is unfair, only a select few get a blessed life. But death frightens me, more than anything else I fear dying. I fear for my mum, she's not well and I'm scared of something happening to her, some may call it a blessing because of her health, but death is never a blessing. I'm scared of growing old alone and childless. I fear that the world is moving on and I'm left behind in limbo. I want to experience the joy of children, a life you create through whatever means.

Someone I know said that looking after my mum will make me alone. If someone can't handle the fact that my mum needs me then fuck them! They aren't worth it to me.

Someone asked me yesterday "what does being a carer really mean ? Are you just a glorified slave?"

No I'm not a slave. Being a full time carer means that someone depends on you, your life isn't just yours, if your hurt then what happens to the person you care for? You share your life with someone who is sick,disabled or both. I love being a carer, I love my mum and I don't care what anyone says about it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

Where is AF !?!?

I'm going bonkers. Bonkers I tell you! I have tried everything to get things 'going', ginger,parsley tea, herbs. All manner of strange things that are supposed to do the job. I got no pre-AF signs. Diddly squat.

This is where I'm at, I use 2 apps on my iPod touch so I've got both pictures :)










Posted from my iPod touch.

*updated* fitness programme.

I had a reassesment on my fitness programme today. Every 18 sessions your programme is updated. I will include my old programme and then at the bottom I will write my new one.

Old one:
20mins on the treadmill at 3mph.
Elliptical machine (cross trainer) fat burn programme, 10mins.
Chest press, 40kg x30.
Lateral pull down. 40kg x30.
Ab crunch machine. 60kg x30.
Dumbells. 4kg x30.
Powerplate, squats, 90 seconds. Lunges 90 seconds.

That was my old workout which was pretty good, now I have an updated one.

20mins on treadmill 3.2mph on a fat burn programme.
15 minutes on the cross trainer on fat burn programme.
Chest press 50kg x36 reps.
Lateral pull down, 50kg x36.
Dumbell curls 4kg x40.
Power plate, squats 90 seconds, lunges 90 seconds, hamstring stretch 90 seconds.

There's something else but I can't remember, it is a lot harder especially for me but I'm gonna try really hard to push myself, especially on the cross trainer.

Posted from my iPod touch.

How many more bad days?

Today has been rough, actually the last 6 years of my life has been hard. 6 months after my dad died my mum got poorly after an operation that went wrong. It's hard yes, I don't want sympathy, never have never will. This is my personal blog, it's for me.

Today has been one of those days where it feels like the work has turned it's back on you, I'm exhausted, have absolutely no energy and I'm in the crappiest mood ever. I'm an emotional wreck, one minute I'm fine the next I'm crying like a baby, it really is horrendous.

I'm still fat too, I'm at the gym 3x a week, do workout DVD's the other 3 days and then I have Sunday off. I'm eating well, my calorie maintenance level is about 2710 calories and I'm averaging at 1500 calories a day as advised by the dietician. Barely any weight loss at all, in the past 3 weeks I've lost 3oz. It's pathetic and it's shit. Now that weight loss surgery has been ruled out aswell because I'm not fat enough, that's it, a vicious battle to stay stuck how I am.

I'm not fat enough for weight loss surgery and I'm not thin enough for any other medication to help me, I can't go on metformin because apparently I'll have a stroke.

Moving on, I'm now at CD202. My last period was January, this is also a pile of crap. I've tried Ginger,parsley tea, everything non prescription with no sign of anything.

So, after all my crappy moaning, I'm gonna watch some TV, and you know what ? Me and my mum are ordering in pizza tonight. I need a relaxing night where I'm thinking about other things apart from periods and diets.


Posted from my iPod touch.

CD200, waiting and waiting.

Yup, I'm now cycle day 200. My last period was January 13th. No signs of AF turning up anytime soon either. This whole 'sit and wait for it' plan is a pile of crap but I got no choice, so I'm waiting.


Posted from my iPod touch.

New addition !

I GOT A TATTOO YESTERDAY !!






I will admit that it hurt! In the middle it stung like hell, but I'm hooked now ! I already want a second ! This one was really cosmetic, it has meaning for me. I absolutely love it aswell !

I picked the font for the numbers and then I had the word dad designed, I picked slightly different fonts for all 3 letters so it would be unique and in a handwritten style. I'm really happy I did it like that because you won't find it in a design book either!

Posted from my iPod touch.

Get back on top form, please RT.

On Friday at the gym, I managed to pull a muscle in my chest, I know that I did it on the cross trainer (elliptical). I saw a doctor who said to not go to the gym until at least Monday. I'm gonna go tomorrow but only doing the treadmill and some stuff with the powerplate. Hopefully I'll be back on track with full workouts on Tuesday or Wednesday.

AND, good news!

It seems that my hair has decided to stop falling out ! It had gotten to where just brushing it made it fall out and washing it was horrendous, but it's stopped now so hopefully it will grow back !

Home Alone

My mum has gone into hospital today for operation, for those who dont know, my mum has botox injected into her bladder to stop spasms that she gets in her bladder. And, yes before you wonder, its the smae stuff they inject in your face for wrinkles ! she had it in August 2008 and it helped so thats where shes gone.

That means that im an 18yr old home alone for 2 days (with booze in the fridge) !!!!

so tonight, im cooking a curry and im gonna have a drink, relax and watch some TV. I never get time to myself so im gonna try and just catch up on some sleep tonight aswell.

In other news ! i bought the nintendo ds game, Health Coach yesterday, the one with the free pedometer :)

im using it to track how much i walk as well as try and write everything in so that its all there when i wanna see it.

best news ! it only cost £6.99 !!

Been a long time + cycle update

I have a been a bad blogger :( my last post was fathers day !! It's July now so I have no excuses.

Not a lot has really happened. I'm still going to the gym, so that's really good. I haven't lost tons of weight, but I'm going by how I feel more than the scales right now.

The other day I got a letter from the hospital I was referred to saying that the questionnaire you have to fill in to see a bariatric surgeon wasn't done properly, Dr.R was meant to have done this properly. It's not difficult, a child could do it. I was meant to go see her about it but there's no way I'm ever going to her again. So now I'm seeing a new doctor, (I'll call him Dr.S) I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing him because he's a male doctor, I've always had an intense fear of male doctors, no idea why but I have. he looked after my dad when he was dying from cancer so he knows me,hopefully because he knows me it wont be to bad. All I want is this questionnaire filling in properly, if the surgeon won't do anything then that's his choice. Dr.R has nothing to do with it. They also sent me a copy of a letter she sent them that said I was lazy and I had an attitude problem so I didn't deserve their help. That pissed me off. So I'm seeing Dr.S on thursday to try and get this questionnaire thing done.

In other news, I'm now at CD177. Yeah, it's not good. Due to the evil cow Dr.R, I have no choice but to struggle it out. I worry about this a lot. I worry about the risks of cancer and the long term problems that may arise from my unhealthy cycles. I don't see how any doctor can view cycles lasting this long as normal. It's definitely bad. I will try and mention it to new Dr.S and see what he says. If he won't help then I don't know what I'm going to do. They won't refer me to anyone because I'm not TTC and because of my age. I'll just have to see.

Until next time I hope everyone has a great weekend and a special good luck to PCOSchick who is braving niagra falls !


Cara x

Happy Fathers Day

In Our Hearts

We thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday.
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence.
We often speak your name.
Now all we have is memories.
And your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake.
With which we’ll never part.
God has you in his keeping.
We have you in our heart.

Happy Fathers day Dad, I just wish that you were here to see the woman I've become. I love you dad.

Cycle Day 162

Just writing a quick post for now. I'm currently on CD162 and counting, I'm going insane and I'm getting pissed off, I know the whole 'lose weight and it will come talk' but that's not quite the point. This is getting seriously unfair now. My last cycle was 69 days and this one has gone double that. Because of my evil old doctor I have ZERO chance of getting any help with this problem.

According to her, women who go on the contraceptive implant or other forms don't have periods, so apparently it's ok that I don't. Unless I'm missing something (which I'm not), I'm on NO form of bc WHATSOEVER. So her theory doesn't really apply to me does it ? No. So that's why I'm stuck with the waiting game of just waiting for it to 'pop up'

I apologise for my craziness but I think I have every right to be angry and pissed off.


Cara x

I've got a couple of scheduled posts coming, but I'll start writing some more tomorrow.

My fitness programme.

Now I'm at a different gym I've got a brand new programme which i'm gonna tell you all about now :)

I do 2.4 miles of cycling.
I do 1.2 miles of walking on the treadmill in 20mins so I walk REALLY fast !
I then do 10 minutes on the cross trainer on the fat burn workout programme.
That's it for cardio but that's pretty good.

Then I do loads of weights !
30 ab crunches.
30 bicep curls.
30 dumbell lifts.
30 chest press exercises.
30 back exercises.
90 seconds on the powerplate doing Squats.
90 seconds on the powerplate doing lunges.
(the powerplate is hard work !)

That's my workout, it's really hard work but I'm hoping it all pays off soon :)


Cara x

wordless wednesday

this isnt completely wordless but tis nearly there.

im going to a different gym thats closer to my house now, ive also booked my first ever spinning class !!

lets talk about god.

 I havent really been in the best of moods for a couple of days, things have been getting me so angry so quickly. I get like this every so often so dont panic, im not manic depressive or anything..

a few things have been playing on my mind lately, and im sick of not being able to say what i think because i might upset people, i understand if i say something and someone deosnt agree, thats how the world goes round so im not gonna do it anymore, if people dont like what i say then thats ok,im not trying to force people to believe in my opinions.

first off, i was having a conversation on twitter with courtney, who sadly lost her 3rd son a week ago, and we brought up the 'God' convo. now im full warning you, im not a believer in God, so you may find my opinions insulting, i understand so stop reading if you want to.

i personally dont see how God can exist. for instance, Courtney has lost her 3 beautiful little boys, i dont see how if God was real he would let that happen. people say we are being punished, but that is no way to punish somone at all. We see so much joy in this world. birth,love,family friends. But we also see far to much sadness, if God was real, then where was he for Courtney ? Where was he when my dad got cancer ? where was he when my mum got severely ill after 11 months of looking after my dying dad. ? Where was God when i needed him most ?

He wasnt there.

People like Courtney and me, carry on because we have hope, not hope given to us my 'God' but the hope that drives us forward and keeps going through the good and the bad.

Hope wont bring me dad back, hope wont make my mum better. but hope gives me something to acheive and strive for, and that is something that no pretend God can give me.

*Again, i apologise if my opinions arent to your taste, and i hope that you werent offended by my post.*

Sorrow and loss.

Today I found out that Courtney one of my friends on Twitter lost her baby today.
I want her to know how sorry I am, her baby grew wings far to soon.

It's not Friday but I found this quote and I thought it would be nice to coinside with this post.

'An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,
Then she whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

Cara x

redesigning my blog !

ive just realised how awful my blog looks so im gonna change it, im stripping it bare and starting again. so im warning you that if you come on my blog in the next 2 hrs, it will look a mess ! i apologise and ill get it sorted asap :)

Quick catch up

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since my last post ! I've written a few but I've either not been able to post them or they have been really miserable. Hopefully good stuff will pop back into my head !

Still no sign of AF, I'm CD139 so getting a bit pissed off with it now !

On Twitter the other day I was saying about the 15yr old girl I know who's getting induced this week because her baby is to small because of cocaine and alcohol. Well the other night when I went out (and got heavily intoxicated!!) I saw her dressed in this weird tutu fancy dress outfit, she was drunk and I mean really drunk. When I see things like this i get upset because people like her don't deserve kids.

Ok rant over, I'm gonna start blogging better and I'm gonna be starting a Topic Of The Week thing where I'm basically talking about a topic of interest :)

I will speak to you all very soon, I promise I will be a better blogger :)


Cara x

Evil Dr.R and me

I'm beginning to really hate my doctor. When I say hate, I mean hate, not dislike, HATE. She is such a cow ! And I will tell you why.

On saturday I had an appintment with her. It was to talk about coming off orlistat and to push her into listening to me about surgery. She weighed me and I lost half a pound but even she agreed me not wanting to eat has done that. So she said about the last option being surgery, I agreed with her and said I'd done my research and I wanted to see a surgeon about a gastric band. Well let's just say she wasn't happy. She lectured me about how she was against it and how just changing my eating habits would work. I wouldn't have been there if eating a salad wouldve made everything dandy ! So eventually she said ok but she was rude ! Saying 'your the patient, it's your perogative' now i understand that everyone has varying opinions but I believe that if you choose to be a doctor then you should understand that you can't always have your own way. So after all the rudeness and slamming the door in my face, I'm finally halfway there, I had a blood test today (which has bruised the heck out of me !) and I get the results on Friday, when we have to fill out a questionnaire that the surgeon will want to see but hopefully after that I won't have to see her again FX.

That's where I'm up to now. I've got a long road ahead but hopefully I'll get there, lose weight and be healthy and happy.

Cycle update: CD123, zero signs of AF or anything for that matter.

P.s I know they're differing opinions on weight loss surgery but I'd appreciate it if people with nasty things to say didn't say them. I welcome all comments as long as they aren't nasty, I'm nor saying no one can say their opinion, if you don't agree then say so, I'm open to constructive comments.


Cara x

Yes, in still alive!

I have been a terrible blogger ! I think my last week was about 10 days ago.

I haven't really blogged because basically I've had nothing to say. Now we all know I'm very vocal in my opinions but whenever I've sat down to write a post the past week, my mind has gone blank.

In the last days, not a lot has happened. When I say boring I mean it, no drama no nothing, it's actually been quite nice not having anything bad happening. The only news I have is that I got a bike :) I got a good one so I can use it regular and hopefully use it to help with weight loss.

So as mentioned I have nothing to say so I'm just gonna write a 'life update' to keep everything up to date for you all.

*life update*

Ok,so I'm still on orlistat, not taking 3 a day coz they make me ill but i'm trying. Doctor still says no go on the treatment front for the pcos, just lose weight. So the goal is to lose loads of weight so I can get some meds soon !!

'thankyou for listening everyone, I appreciate it a lot !'


Cara x

The Big Twitter #infertility campaign !!

well i was on twitter earlier and i saw @SomedayBabyT saying she wanted to start a twitter campaign to get 'infertility' onto the trending topics, i LOVE this idea and im definitely on board !

First of all, twitter is a socialnetwork where you have 140 characters to write to your followers, simple eh ? trending topics are things that people are saying a lot so basically if your on twitter you will have seen Justin Bieber on the trending list, well thats because loads of people have put the words 'Justin Bieber'in their tweets,

we want to do the same thing but with infertility so on April 26th 2010 when it turns midnight in your country/timezone, start putting #infertility at the end of your tweets, remember the hash tag because thats the important part.

If you follow celebrities or famous people, then tweet to them the link to my blog, http://babythornburgh.wordpress.com/ because she has details of the campiagn on her blog as well, hope to see all your tweets and remember to write #infertility at the end of them !!!

ABC's

A - Age: 18




B - Bed size: double



C - Chore you hate: all of them lol but mainly hoovering.



D - Dog/Pet's name: 1 dog Kiera, 4 cats, Milo,Izzie,Spud and Alfie



E - Essential start to your day item(s): coffee and breakfast



F - Favorite color: pink



G - Gold or Silver: gold



H - Height: 5'6"



I - Instruments you play(ed): recorder and a bit of saxophone



J - Job title: full time carer and student



K - Kisses or hugs:  Kisses



L - Living arrangements: with my mum in a 2 bed bungalow



M - Mood: unhappy, poorly



N - Nicknames: none my names short enough :)



O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: suspected meningitis



P - Pet Peeves: way to many to count, drivers on phones, toilet seat up........



Q - Quote: "lifes not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain.



R - Right or left handed: left but am ambidextrous



S - Siblings: 1 half sister Lindsey and 3 half brothers Mark,Stuart,Ian



T - Time you wake up: anywhere between 7 am and 11am depending on what my mum needs



U- Underwear: i wear them yes lol



V - Vegetable you dislike: i only like peas



W - Ways you run late: gettting dressed, doing hair and makeup and reading the mail



X - X-rays you've had: dental, and broken finger



Y - Yummy food you make: spag bol, lasagne and cheese on toast :D



Z - Zoo favorite: tiger or elephant

doctors appointment

right. yesterday i went to see my doctor, you remember ? the horrible cow who told me it was my own fault?, well i saw her because she was the only one available, I'll call her Dr. R here so i know who i mean. i tried to talk to her about my PCOS and my lack of AF visits. As ususal she just said that not having any wont do me any harm and theres no need to treat it, a couple of ladies said about birth control to regulate them, well she wasnt up for that either, she said the risk of stroke was to high.ridiculous i know but thats all she could say to me.

Then we moved on to weight loss, my dietican had written Dr. R  a letter saying that had been no weight loss and that maybe treatment for PCOS may help, well as i said before that didnt work out so well. i tried to talk to her about getting a gastric band. (If you dont know about me wanting a gastric band then click here to read my post about it.) basically, im overweight, very overweight, its not just my health but being the way i am is making me so unhappy. i hate myself, i refuse to look in a bit mirrror.

I tried talking to her about a gastric band but she basically ignored me and changed the subject. im serious about this, and when i see her again 3 weeks i will bring it up again, as well as trying to talk to my dietician about it.

So after all that, she has given me Orlistat 120mg or more commonly known as Alli, click here to read information about Orlistat. basically orlistat blocks about a third of the fat you eat from going into your system and works its way through undigested. you take one 3 times daily with your breakfast lunch and dinner. its not a wonder drug and you still have to diet, no offense to the people who have had good results on it, but i want something permanent, losing weight and then coming off tablets and putting it back on isnt what i want.

So far im on Day 2 of Orlistat and im going to be honest with you all. i hate it, the side effects are awful, i keep feeling sick, bloated and basically crap!! the website link above has a list of side effects that i will put here.

                                   The main side-effects are caused by the fat which is passed out with your faeces. You may get fatty smelly stools, urgency to get to the toilet, oily spotting on your underclothes, and excess wind. These side-effects are less likely if you eat a low-fat diet. They tend to settle with time, possibly because if they occur they remind you that you should be eating a low-fat diet! Other side-effects are rare. (Read the packet leaflet for a full list of possible side-effects.)

now this may sound simple to fix by not eating much fat but it is harder than it sounds, my appetite is a big problem for me, and eating a low fat diet that i enjoy is hard work and im not enjoy it, and even when i eat barely any fat, i still feel sick and bloated. I'm hoping that next time i see Dr. R i'll be able to get off this horrid tablets and get sorted with something that i can actually do.

*everyones entitled to there opinions and i encourage and love all your advice but I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from making the whole fat and lazy comments, im not lazy i am desperate to lose weight but i dont want to feel ill to get there!*

Unhappy Anniversary

Well today marks the 100th day in my cycle (CD100), i'm not gonna go into it all now but basically doctor still won't give me treatment for PCOS, not a thing. She says there's no need which I disagree with but that's for another post, but for now this is my very unhappy anniversary. Before I go, I was wondering whether anyone knew any natural ways to try and bring on AF, no point waiting around for my doctor to sort it out !


Cara x

Can't stand the sight of myself..

Ok. So today is one of them really crap days, well Im like this all the time but today it has been really bad.

I've always had issues with the way I look (Its a woman thing) but with me being the weight I am, it has gradually got worse. I'm at the point where I can't stand looking at myself in a full lenght mirror. I don't even own one anymore because I despise myself that much. I've been on diet after diet, pills and more pills but nothing works.

Right now I'm considering a gastric band, now I'm 18 it's something I'll be able to have. A few people had said they know people who had it who hate it, but people have also said that they know people who've had it, lost the weight and are happy. I had thought about a gastric bypass, but I wouldn't want that kind of surgery and also gastric bands are reversible if needs be.

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, so I'm gonna speak to her and then see how I go from there.


Cara x

Wordless Wednesday

Wordful Friday

I was busy with my mum and birthday over Friday and Saturday so I'm posting my wordful Friday today :) sorry it's late !

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

Wahoooooooo :D I'm 18 today !!!!! i feel pretty old now that im called an adult ! I've had my hair and nails done and im getting ready go partying with some friends and get extremely drunk ! hope you all have a good night, i know im going too !!

Cara x

Breast or formula ??

I was Reading through tweets when I came across the debate about the risks of formula feeding and how you HAVE to breastfeed. Now I agree that if you can breastfeed then it's worth doing it, there are many benefits, but I don't agree with people dictating what you have to do to be a good mum. My sister formula fed all 3 of her children. Me and my sister were both formula fed. I also know a lot of mums who have actually CHOSEN to breastfeed. I don't see why this is a problem, yes there are certain downsides to formula feeding but what does it matter ? If you are happy formula feeding then why should it be a problem ? also, what about the mums who actually can't breastfeed. Does that mean you should starve your baby ? No, it doesn't, so as much as this might annoy people, I'm giving my honest opinion. I believe in choice, and how you feed your baby is your decision. When I have children I will try and breastfeed, but that is CHOICE. If I can't breastfeed or decide I don't want too, then I will not feel guilty about it and I hope that any mum reading this ignores those people who tell you to breastfeed and that you get on with your CHOICE and be happy with your baby. :)

Blog hop :)

Cara x

My wordful Friday :)

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. - Unknown.

cocktail ideas ?

SAD ???

I'm pretty sure i have seasonal affective disorder, when the weathers nice and the suns out but then when it rains i get in such a bad mood ! i dont feel like doing anything at all. My mum has had SAD for years and shes the same, when it rains my house is so moody its ridiculous, you'd think someone died !

Last year we were promised a nice summer here in Britain, but as usual we had one week of excruciatingly hot weather and then rain all summer, so this year im keeping my fingers crossed that we get a gorgeous summer and it wont rain !

Boat load of BFP's !

there have been loads of pregnancy announcements from my lovely twitter friends recently ! this really has beena  fertile March ! im praying for you all and hoping you all have a safe and happy 9 months of pregnancy  :)

*sorry for the short post, I'm so busy its unbelievable !*

GUEST ARTICLE

I had an email from Tania over at http://www.trying-to-conceive.com/ asking if I would publish an article on pcos+weight issues which she would write for me, I've never had a guest blogger before so i thought it would be an interesting article to publish.



Obesity is one of the most common side effects a woman must endure when suffering from polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. Women that suffer from PCOS can have the exact same diet as one that does not have the disease and still gain weight. The reasons behind why PCOS causes weight gain are in dispute, but researchers do agree that the body chemistry and genetics can play an important role in the matter.


One of the primary reasons for weight gain with PCOS is insulin resistance, which means insulin cannot perform properly. There are many experts that feel in order to experience weight loss with PCOS; a woman must get her insulin levels under control. The ways in which to do this is through incorporating a daily diet rich in foods that are low on the glycemic index, which will keep the blood sugar at consistent levels and help manage weight. With a balanced diet weight loss and PCOS can be controlled and managed in a healthy way.

Another culprit of PCOS weight gain is the hormone leptin which is produced by the fat cells. The leptin hormone is made by the hypothalamus and when levels are too high or too low, normal homeostasis is disrupted. Women that are suffering from PCOS tend to have higher leptin levels, this raises the chances of obesity, and it does not hinder the women from overeating.

There are many things a woman can do when trying to lose weight when suffering from PCOS, which includes the following:

• Regular exercise

• Dietary modification

• Maintain consistent insulin levels in the body

• Consulting with a nutritionist

When trying to conceive and suffering from PCOS, some women can experience problems which require medical attention. Obesity related to PCOS can be one of the most common reasons why it is so hard for a woman to conceive. Losing weight is very important to fertility and overall health so it is an issue a woman must address for her own physical well being, as well as for medical reasons.

There are many women that suffer from PCOS and are overweight as a result. Weight loss for women with PCOS is very important because it will help increase her chances when trying to conceive and it will also allow her to manage one of the most problematic side effects of the condition. It is important to seek medical attention when suffering from the condition because it does require monitoring from a medical professional in order to be best handled.

Medical studies suggest that regular exercise, certain lifestyle modifications and a PCOS friendly diet can go far in helping a woman manage her weight. Weight loss for women with PCOS is an important topic particularly when it is impairing fertility and causing problems with a woman’s health. In order to best address the condition, a woman should be aware of what is causing the weight gain and handle the problem in a proactive and productive manner. Weight loss and PCOS is a topic that is currently being studied in order to provide a better understanding of what a woman can do to improve the situation.

i recent changed my blog layout :) let me know what you all think or if  have to change anything !

Wordless Wednesday

Cara x

Cant Wait For The Day

I can't wait for the day i can say I'm getting married.

I can't wait for the day i can say I'm pregnant.

I can't wait for the day i can say I've welcomed a baby into the world.

I cant't wait for the day when I can say I've watched my baby take their first steps.

I can't wait for the day I can say that i cried on my childs first day of school.

I can't wait for the day that i can say that I kissed my childs poorly knee better.

I can't wait for the day that i can say i held my child while they cried over their first broken heart.

I can't wait for the day that i can say that my child is getting married.

I can't wait for the day that i can say I'm going to be a grandma.

I can't wait for the day that i can say I am truly happy.

my mums birthday !!

ITS MY MUMS BIRTHDAY TODAY :D

Happy 46th Birthday to my amazing mum !

its also St.Patricks day in Ireland too :D

Mothers Day

MOTHERS DAY TODAY !!!

i nearly forgot about mothers day this year !! it doesnt help when they change the date every year, last eyar it was the 22nd March and this year its the 14th of March, i had this post scheduled to post because i wont be blogging on mothers day, so by the time you read this i will have given and my mum her card and cooking her dinner :)

I love my mum a lot, she is the most special person in the world to me and i love her sooo much, this tribute is especially for my amazing mum !

A Million Thanks






You who make me happy when I'm blue

You who teach me how to live, and give love that is true

You who always forgive me in every mistakes that I do

This is the only thing I can say,

A MILLION THANKS TO YOU!



You who loved me unconditionally

You who love me eternally

You who teach me how to treasure thing that I can't see

A MILLION THANKS TO YOU, Oh, in my heart you are the

only key



You are a perfect mother for me

You are my only love, my only life until eternity

You taught me how to overcome trials and conflicts

I may face

A MILLION THANKS TO YOU, You're the kind of mother

that no one can replace!

Cara-ology

I saw this becca aka @TTc_queen, sorry I can't link you becca I'm on my iPod :(

I found this on Beccas blog and decided it was a good tag for me to do :). So now if you’re reading this, you’re tagged and you have to do it! Do it and title it with your name-ology

FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Olive oil or vinegaretter

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? don’t have one really

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? KFC although it's been awhile sice I've had it

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Pizza

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Cheese and doner meat :D

How many televisions are in your house? 2

What color cell phone do you have? Silver

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Left mainly but I can write with both.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? yup, teeth and a growth on my foot and my tonsils

What is the last heavy item you lifted? My cat ( he wears 6kg !!)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yeah, when I fell down the stairs

Have you ever fainted? yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Nope, it would make me paranoid

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I like my name, :)

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1 pair but I rarely wear them

Last person you talked to? Mum

FAVORITOLOGY:
Season? Summer :D

Holiday? Christmas !

Day of the week? Saturday

Month? July

Color? Pink

Drink? Lucozade or coca cola cherry

Alcoholic? Vodka and red bull or G&T

CURRENTOLOGY:
Missing someone? My dad

What are you listening to? Nothing i'm in bed :)

What are you watching? Nothing

Worrying about? My appointment next week and my mum

What’s the last movie you saw? Wanted, amazing film !

Do you smile often? Not enough I don't think

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I love my blue eyes :)

What’s on your wish list for your birthday? A gastric band would be nice but I can't afford it, other than that, a new phone

Can you do a chin-up? What's that ? Lol

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Nervous

Have you been in a car wreck? A small car crash

Have you caused a car wreck? Nope, I don't drive

Do you have an accent? yep, a very common British accent, definitely not posh English lol

Last time you cried? Yesterday

Plans tonight? Go to sleep

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yup a few times

Name three things you bought yesterday? Bread,magazine,cigarettes

Have you met someone who changed your life?nope

For the better or worse? N/a

How did you bring in the New Year? Watching tv with my mum

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yeah, i'd go back to before my dad died and stop it

What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever I've heard that I like that day

Have you held hands with someone today? Nope

Who was the last person you took a picture of? My cat

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Most are new

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Yuk !!!! Nooo !!

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Yuk ! That is disgusting lol

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? On Twitter and cleaning

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Omg it's cold !



Cara x

My diagnosis of pcos & weight issues

My weight problems first started in 2004 when my dad died, I quickly gained from comfort eating. In January 2006, I started losing weight quite well. 06.06.06 my periods started (I'm pretty sure I'm now doomed because of this!) I started putting on weight again, acne came back with a vengeance among other things. I wasn't diagnosed for another 3 years because doctors told me that they just take time to settle. In September 2009 after an ultrasound and blood tests I was diagnosed with pcos, I wasn't given any treatment but was sent to a dietician with no success, I see the dietician on the 17th March (my mums birthday) and I hope she will write to the doctor and then I'll get treated properly. I have a lot of weight to lose, I wish to lose 9st (144lbs). Hopefully next year I'll be able to blog 9st lighter !

Appointments,appointments and more appointments

Today is my mums diabetic review, she goes to these every few months which she can live with. my mum is always at doctors,hospitals, its like she never sees enough of the medical profession ! shes sees her gp every tuesday and thursday and then everything else in between. The problem is if seeing all these people made her better then it wouldnt be as bad, but my mum wont get better, and sometimes she says she doesnt want to go, but seeing the doctors is helping manage her condition and hopefully stop it getting worse. I do understand where shes coming from though because an appointment every month is plenty enough for me !

For the past 2 dayas now i have had awful migraine ! ive been in the dark for the best part of those 2 days and taken tablets but it is holding on real tight at the moment !

on the positive side, even though saturdays nearly over, the weather man has said that tomorrow wont be really warm but it will be nice as sunny ! so hopefully tomorrow my migraine will be be gone and i can catch a bit of sun and read a good book in the garden :)

also, im trying to add pages on here, like home about me, that sort of thing but when i use the add gadget button i can only add one page, it wont let me do anymore, ive seen blogs with pages and i know its possible so if anyone could help id really appreciate it ! :)

Going it alone ?

I have no desire to ever get married, I've realised there's more to life than marriage, I don't see the point in having a peice of paper to committed someone, shouldn't you be comitted anyway ??
Of course I want a long term relationship with a decent man but I don't want to get married.

Back to the point, I know a few single mothers on Twitter and in real life, they fo amazing jobs by themselves being mum and dad. most people see singles mums as a bad thing or not as capable because there isn't a father around.I disagree, I think that a mum can be both parents, provide support love and care for a child. This got me thinking, I'd happily be a single mum and i'd actually like to be, this sounds crazy but I'm happy on my own, and if I did have a child by myself that wouldn't mean I don't a long term boyfriend, I'd still want that but I want to be a mother more. I don't mean this minute but in a couple of years if I'm still by myself, then I'd seriously consider finding a sperm donor and become a single mother.

Cara x

Understanding the jargon !

I've had a couple people ask me before about all the jargon on Twitter and blogs like,TTC,AF,POAS that sort of thing so I thought I'd write a post translating it :)
Most of the people who read my blog already know what all this means but for new readers for someone new to the trying to conceive community this could be handy for you.

TTC- trying to conceive
AF- aunt flo (basically your period)
POAS- pee on a stick (another word for taking a pregnancy test)
HPT- home pregnancy test
IUI- intrauterine insemination (a fertility treatment)
IVF- another fertility treatment
HCG- Human chorionic gonadotropin (the hormone detected in pregnancy to confirm pregnancy)
Wandy- wandy is the vaginal ultrasound, lots of people call it wandy because it's more interesting :)
EWCM- this one is less common but still handy to know (egg white cervical mucus.

These are the basic jargon terms that you see on Twitter and blogs, hopefully this helped somebody :)



Cara x

First Wordless Wednesday

when i look at this picture, it reminds that i will do whatever i can to accompish my dreams and not to give up.

YET ANOTHER AWARD !

I received another award today :D huge thanks goes to Em at Creating HackSpawn for this lovely award :)

10 Things that make my day..

1. getting up and my mum feeling better.

2.when my cat sits on my lap and goes to sleep :)

3.my green tea ! i cant live without the stuff now !

4. not getting tons of bills in the mail !

5.finishing my housework and crashing on the sofa.

6. snuggling up in bed and watching eastenders and csi.

7.putting my music on and dancing in the kitchen !

8. seeing new followers on my blog and twitter.

9. getting lovely messages and comments on twitter/blog that really cheer me up.

10. accomplishing something ive always wanted to do.

i nominated 10 people on my last wars, so today im gonna nominate everyone !! enjoy this award folks :)

blog award.

i was complaining on twitter that i have only had one blog award so the lovely Jin at http://teamjinfred.wordpress.com/ so here goes :)

Rules: Post where you’d like to be in 10 years and then give it to 10 bloggers

basically in 10 years I want to have had at least one baby :D id also like to have got all qualifications and be a child pshycologist, or enviromental politician, oppisite ends of the career scale i know but i like both things :)

im nominating 10 of my favourite bloggers for this award :)
1. Fertility Chick
2. Roxy (Quest4BabyHang)
3.Amaprincess
4.Courtney (The Peeks)
5.Fertility Guy
6.Elle (hope and envy)
7. Hopeful Mama Hack
8.kate (busted plumbing)
9.Kaitlin (ahmymarriedlife)
10.Nathalie (so crazy im sane)

Stupid valentines day..

Well today has been crap. I officially hate valentines day, I know if I ever get married I will change my mind but this very second I frickin hate valentines day ! I'd have been married 1 year ago today, it still upsets me but I'm over it now, he was a prick and I don't think I'd have stayed with him anyway. Luckily I have the support from the lovely ladies on Twitter who are amazing and also my mum who let me moan to my hearts content LOL.

Now the misery is over, I got an email earlier from my college asking me whether I wanted to attend a debate regarding abortion for extra credit, I replied I would, even though it's hard with everything that's happened, I have quite strong opinions on everything so naturally I love debating. I'm actually looking forward to it but I'm not gonna say what "side" I'm on because I don't wanna rattle anybodys cage with my opinions.

Anyway that's all that's going on for me right now and I'm gonna drown my sorrows in another hpt cross bun ! Hope everyone else enjoys V day even though I'm a miserable cow !


Cara x

PCOS,what to look for and ways to diagnose

I'm a pcos sufferer and quite a few times I've asked what the symptoms are or how do I know if I got it. Well I wanted to do this post so that for those people there is proper information from a real sufferer. It could be quite long so if you don't need to read this I won't take offense if you go somewhere else :)

Right let's start with the symptoms, there are many symptoms on PCOS but people don't neccasarily have all of them so don't think just because you don't have a symptom, you don't have pcos.

**TMI alert **
Symptoms:
1. Irregular or absent menstrual cycles. Not everyone has irregular or absent cycles, some women have perfect cycles. But for me my menstrual cycles are extremely heavy, and very irregular, sometimes every 2-3 months sometime 6-8 months.

2. Hirsutism is another common symptom with pcos, hirsutism is excess hair growth, most women get it on the face, I get it on my face, back and stomach. Hirsutism can be treated.

3. Sometimes women with pcos get the exact opposite of hirsutism which is hair loss, such alopecia.

4. Acne is also a very common symptom of pcos, I get really bad acne, which I treat with normal acne/spot treatment but you can also get medication from your doctor to treat the acne.

5.weight gain/ struggling to lose weight. This is one of the most unhelpful symptoms of pcos, you put on weight or struggle to lose it because of the hormonal imbalances or insulin resistance but insulin resistance is not always a symptom for all women.Metformin can be used to help weight loss.

6. Fertility issues. This is one of the most irritating symptoms/problems that comes with pcos. A lot of women don't even know they have pcos until they encounter issues trying to get pregnant, clomid is usually prescribed to help this but if that doesn't work there are other options such as iui or ivf.

7. Skin tags/darkening of the skin. Skin tags normally appear under the arms, on your bra line and also on your neck, skin tags can normally be ignored, but a dermatologist can remove them if there troublesome. Darkening of the skin round the neck, back, chest or even face is a sign of insulin resistance as well as pcos. There isn't treatment for palmers cocoa butter from superdrug in the uk is really good for it as well as stretch marks or scars.

I can't comment on any treatments such as metformin or the birth control pill as my doctor refuses to treat me. If you see any of these symptoms, see your doctor and asked to be tested for pcos. Next we are gonna cover ways to get diagnosis.

Ways to diagnose.
**TMI Alert**

1. Blood tests. Blood test are used to help diagnose pcos by looking for hormone imbalances and also insulin resistance. They test for glucose levels and also for thyroid under/over activity, which can be a problem with pcos.

2. Ultrasound. This can be done either pelvic, or the same ultrasound you have when your pregnant. I had a pelvic ultrasound, which isn't particularly nice, I found it a little bit painful but mainly uncomfortable, if your worried or unhappy having a pelvic ultrasound then ask the sonographer to do the other type. The results are then sent back to your doctor who puts your ultrasound with the blood tests to make a diagnosis of pcos.

I hope that this post has been helpful, and remember that if you have any of the symptoms then please go see your doctor ! If you have any other questions then follow me on Twitter, my user name is iwillbeatpcos and I will be happy to help anyway I can.

Thankyou for seeing this post through to the end ! I'm sure there were better things for you to do !

Cara x

blog signature

this is my new blog signature, i like it, but i usually do my blog posts from the blogger app on my ipod touch so really this is no use to me whatsoever.
I wanted to make it though because its pretty.

if you dont know how to make your signature, go to http://mylivesignature.com/ and you dont have to sign up you just make your signature. xx

Maybe I am a bitch ??

Ok so I'm thinking that maybe I am bitch ?

As most people are aware I'm not trying to conceive, I'm not even in a relationship. I get a fair amount of stick about it. I get told that because I'm not trying to conceive I can't understand what they are going through or that I'm young what does it matter to me anyway. One of the things I get a lot of comments likeI just have pcos, what's so bad about it, it's not the end of the world your dieting will help.

Yes I know dieting will help. Yes I know I'm fat and need to lose weight, yes I'm not struggling with infertility like everyone else.

My best friend roxy, well I've never seen her but it doesn't matter, has been struggling with lupus among other problems and also has been struggling to conceive for 3 years, now I could never compare my problems to hers. Heck, to 99.9% of people my problems are more glitches, but they're not glitches to me. To me they are REAL problems that I'm really struggling to cope with, it sounds hard to believe but to me, it's not just PCOS, it's something that is affecting my life and how I feel mentally as well as physically.

I have NO real life friends who understand. Only 2 of my real life friends actually know I have pcos. 99% of the people are my Twitter are ttc, which is fine I choose to follow them, but recently I've found that some people are just ignoring me, yes my tweets are nothing to do with ttc but that's not what I mean. If I have replied to give congratulations on BFPS's or just general conversation, with some people I never get replys or anything, it seems that I am considered out of the loop and a stranger on Twitter now. I'm not gonna pretend I know everything about ttc, but I feel that if I was ttc then I would get spoken to a lot more on Twitter or happyhour. I am who I am, I can be an idiot at times, but I try to be a nice polite person and be friendly to anyone who speaks to me.

I believe that even though I may not in the "loop" it doesn't matter, I still try to be nice and I hopethat even when my lovely ladies get there BFP's or even if not then they carry on speaking and that I can have some amazing friends for life.

Fish oil and diet pills

I've been a real slacker on my blog lately so I thought I'd post an update for you all.

Well first off I've started taking omega 3 fish oils, I've heard they're good for pcos symptoms and general heart and brain health. I've also bought some Adios, which are diet pills. They're supposed to help speed up your metabolism so your burn more calories/fat. I only started them today so I will update on my weight loss and whether they've helped in a couple of weeks.

On a final note, I'm CD31 with no signs of AF, PMS or anything. AF was due on the 4th so she's already late anyway. Chances are this will be another EXTREMELY long cycle as usual.


Cara x

Just a general update

Well nothing eventful has happened to me since my last blog post. I'm beginning to feel better now which is good, had a bad migraine today but that's about it, i'm getting there now. I'd just like to say congratulations to my friends on Twitter who have had there BFP's also how sorry I am that a couple of the lovely ladies unfortunately miscarried there babies. Also I'm keeping courtney in my thoughts on the 1 year anniversary of her beautiful angels going to heaven. I hope everyone has a good month and get there BFP's very soon xxxxx


Cara x

After I collapsed and ended up in casualty I thought I'd get better really quick. Well I was wrong. Today I still feel really sick and keep throwing up. I'm
Also so tired which would be ok if I didn't have insomnia which won't let me sleep ! I'm on iron tablets now to replace the iron I lost, but at least I avoided a blood transfusion, I really didn't want it for several reasons but I'm happy that I got out of it. Had a call today from gynae that I gotta go tomorrow and see him and wandy. I'm really not happy having to see able gynaecologist. (I'm not anti men or anything I promise :P) I know a lot of women who are perfectly happy with there male gynae and it's that I hate them. I just have serious trust issues with male doctors so I always see female doctors. I've never properly been referred anywhere I've only seen gynae when I've had scans/tests. So hopefully all will be ok and I can continue to feel crappy and damaged again without inteferance.


Cara x

@Quest4BabyHang is doing a giveaway on her blog, if you dont know who she is go to roxannes blog and enter her giveaway to win 2 great prizes !! this girl is amazing so make sure you follow her blog and on twitter :)  click here to enter roxys giveaway !
click here to follow roxy on twitter !!

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25 reasons why I hate pcos.

I had inspiration from Kate (@bustedkate) to basically say why I hate pcos. So I'm gonna try and do 25 reasons for why I hate pcos. It could be long so be warned :)

1.makes you overweight
2.difficulty losing weight pcos makes you put on.
3.insulin resistance.
4.awful blood tests which leave me full of bruises.
5.excess facial/body hair (I really hate this one)
6.persistent acne.
7.absent or irregular periods or menstrual cycles if you wanna be posh.
8.cysts on my ovarys.
9.extremely painful PMT
10.painful ovulation
11.infertility.
12.higher risk of miscarriage.
13.mood swings
14.insomnia.
15.loneliness
16.difficulty keeping a bloke !
17.persistent OPK's
18.never ending pregnancy tests.
19.ass in the air for 20 mins after BDing to help the little swimmers.
20. Non spontaneous sex.
21.non understanding doctors.
22.non understanding friends
23.family asking where the grandkids/neices/nephews are.
24.being damaged goods.
25.higher risk of other health problems.

These are 25 reasons why I hate pcos, I have many more which I will do in another post :)


Cara x

Quote of the day

Cheryl (@chasingamiracle) tweeted this qoute earlier and I found it really inspiring so thought I would share it

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."


Cara x

An unfair question

Earlier on tonight a family friend was talking to me on skype and asked me a very difficult question. She has no womb from a hysterectomy she had after a car accident. She's 27 and has no children. She asked me whether after she got married in 3 years if I would carry her baby for her. I told her I'd think about it but it didn't take me long to realise that couldn't carry another womans baby after the struggles I've been through just to carry my own. I'm gonna tell her I can't do it. I know it sounds cruel to deny her a baby. But I know I'd never be able to hand over the baby to her. In a way ok selfish because when it comes to having children I'm looking after myself. No matter what your opinion is on me saying this. Asking an infertile to carry your baby is in my book unfair.


Cara x

Torn both ways

A lot of people won't read to this because it's not infertility/pcos related so I'm warning you that it is completely random and if you don't wanna read it that's fine.

Today someone I've known for a while asked me out. I haven't said anything yet but I I'm confused. It sounds simple, either yes or no but he is in a wheelchair. I have nothing against people in wheel chairs my mum is in one so before anyone takes offense read what I have to say.

For the last 4 years I have looked after my mum who is disabled, ill and in a wheelchair herself and I'm not sure I could cope with having to look after him to. I sound selfish and nasty but I'm not meaning to be. I care for my mum 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. When i get with someone I want it to be a break from that. Not go from caring from one person to the other. Well that's my chat for the day. If I offended someone I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyones feelings


Cara x

Blog is having a midlife crisis

I think my blog is having a mid life crisis ! You used to able to comment on my blog but now I've been told you can't comment anymore. If anyone knows why I'd appreciate it if you could let me know on Twitter (@iwillbeatpcos) or on facebook (Cara louise stubbs) thanks everyone xxx


Cara x

Hoping for a good weekend

I am really hoping that I have a good weekend. I've had a terrible week so I think deserve 2 days of no problems, no doctors and no more problems for my mum. I think AF is on her way out which couldn't have come sooner. A week is far to long for her stay in my opinion !

Seeing my doctor for a "review of my situation" I don't really see the point because (excuse the bad language) she doesn't give a shit whether I'm ok or not. She won't treat me so I don't see why I should sit there and pretend everythings ok when it's not ! I'm an emotional wreck and even though I'm not ttc, I am struggling with this. It is hard for me to admit I can't cope. Ice cared for my mum and my dad when he was dying so for me to admit I need help is big. But my doctor doesn't get it, to be honest I don't think she cares if I have pcos as long as she can get rid of me by telling me to lose weight then it's all good for her. I know I need to lose weight but without meds or treatment the weight isn't even coming off.

Right, vent over. Before I go I wanna wish lisa (@waitinglisa) luck with her adoption process and also roxanne @Quest4BabyHang with her iui. Got everything crossed for you both and I hope everything goes really well xxx


Cara x

Not a good week

I haven't blogged for a few days so I thought I'd just do a general update on everything. AF is still in full swing for me not getting any lighter yet. She's only been here 5 days but I can see her outstaying her welcome this time ! She's also making me feel really ill again which I hate, but hopefully she'll bugger off and leave me alone for another 6 months soon !

Then today my sister wasn't well and was spotting. Doctor told her to go hospital where we found out she was losing the baby. It's strange because she didn't seem bothered about it but I think that is because she takes drugs and is an alcoholic. At least it was passing ok and they said she wouldn't need a d&c.

Well that's my week so far. Extremely boring I know but I thought I better write something :) I wanna again congratulate all my lovely ladies on Twitter who have had there BFP's and also to wish all the luck in the world to the ladies doing iui, FET, or just plain ttc. I hope this cycle is successful for all of you !


Cara x

No longer a happy bunny TMI WARNING

Well this morning AF came extremely full on. I was fine with it because it was my shortest cycle at 69days so now I'm cd1. Went into town shopping and here is why there was a tmi warning ! I had a SERIOUSLY bad leakage while I was in town. I am no longer a happy bunny, I usually have heavy periods but this one is extremely bad ! So I'm taking iron supplements and vitamins. But hopefully I won't have to go in hospital because last time I lost to much blood :( and before I go I have my fingers crossed that roxy gets her bfp this round of iui :)


Cara x

New chat

Well about 15 minutes ago me and roxy (@Quest4BabyHang make sure you follow her she is anazing !)were talking and were bored so roxy said we should make our own chat room so we have :) link is http://www.chatzy.com/665222057696 < password is Twitter and anyone is welcome :) it's like an additional chat to the ttchappyhour we do for when we are bored. So basically anyday every day :) whenever we feel the need to chat so make sure you join us and don't forget to follow roxy (@quest4babyhang) and me (iwillbeatpcos) for more info x

Breaking records.

I've got a feeling I might break my shortest cycle record soon. I think AF is coming and right now I'm cd68 or cd69 not sure which but anyways. If AF shows up in the next 19 days I will have broken my shortest cycle record. My longest cycle was a year which wasn't good and my shortest cycle so far is 88 days. So we will have to see but these long cycles really piss me off and there's no way of predicting them i've tried, so here's to waiting to see if I break a record.

I've decided I hate snow.

I normally love snow. But today it was not my friend ! It had been snowingsavour an hour and I normally stay in but I needed milk so I went to the shop which is about 10mins away. Getting there was fine but on the way back I tripped on the ice, I heard something crack and my knee was in agony so I went to A&E where luckily it was empty so I was seen straight away. Doctor had a look and then did an xray, I have problems with tendons in all of my joints so i was hoping I hadn't damaged a tendon. Luckily it isn't broken but I've pulled a ligament in my knee. So now my knee is strapped up to help it heal, they didn't give me any crutches but I walk on that leg so I'm borrowing my mums lol. Hopefully I'll be back on feet soon but until then I'm stuck with a dodgy knee.

Happy New Year

It is now 2010. This decade has gone way to fast for my liking ! At midnight on new years eve I quit smoking. I have been smokefree for 18 hours. The cravings are really bad right now. How I'm gonna get through the rest of today I don't know ! So here we go 2010 the year I quit smoking. Wish me luck x