Alone with my thoughts.

WARNING: this is a miserable post, I needed to put my thoughts somewhere, it's random mumblings so if you have no idea what I'm talking about then don't worry :)


My mums asleep, there's nothing I wanna watch on tv so I'm here. In silence. Alone with my thoughts. This is a bad thing, when I sit in the quiet doing nothing my brain starts going frantic with bad stuff. I think about me getting cancer and dying, this terrifies the crap outta me, I watched my dad suffer for 10 months from cancer until he couldn't fight anymore, I was there when my hero took his last breath. We had known for a few hours that it was coming but it didn't prepare me. I was 12, I'm 18 now and it haunts me even now but I don't regret it, I would never have forgiven myself if I had left, it wasn't pretty to watch his life slip away. The memory is etched into my brain. I loved him and he died. Roll forward 6 months and my mum is now wheel chair bound requiring round the clock care. Go forward 2 years and I'm told I have really bad PCOS, lots of large cysts on my ovaries that aren't going anywhere, my fertility taken from me, and my last bit of normality gone. I worry that the absence of my menstrual cycles will give me cancer, I know it's a possibility. With no treatment available to me and natural methods failing my mind goes to death. Not much frightens me, after everything that's happened I've learned that life can be a pile of shit and life is unfair, only a select few get a blessed life. But death frightens me, more than anything else I fear dying. I fear for my mum, she's not well and I'm scared of something happening to her, some may call it a blessing because of her health, but death is never a blessing. I'm scared of growing old alone and childless. I fear that the world is moving on and I'm left behind in limbo. I want to experience the joy of children, a life you create through whatever means.

Someone I know said that looking after my mum will make me alone. If someone can't handle the fact that my mum needs me then fuck them! They aren't worth it to me.

Someone asked me yesterday "what does being a carer really mean ? Are you just a glorified slave?"

No I'm not a slave. Being a full time carer means that someone depends on you, your life isn't just yours, if your hurt then what happens to the person you care for? You share your life with someone who is sick,disabled or both. I love being a carer, I love my mum and I don't care what anyone says about it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

lets talk about god.

 I havent really been in the best of moods for a couple of days, things have been getting me so angry so quickly. I get like this every so often so dont panic, im not manic depressive or anything..

a few things have been playing on my mind lately, and im sick of not being able to say what i think because i might upset people, i understand if i say something and someone deosnt agree, thats how the world goes round so im not gonna do it anymore, if people dont like what i say then thats ok,im not trying to force people to believe in my opinions.

first off, i was having a conversation on twitter with courtney, who sadly lost her 3rd son a week ago, and we brought up the 'God' convo. now im full warning you, im not a believer in God, so you may find my opinions insulting, i understand so stop reading if you want to.

i personally dont see how God can exist. for instance, Courtney has lost her 3 beautiful little boys, i dont see how if God was real he would let that happen. people say we are being punished, but that is no way to punish somone at all. We see so much joy in this world. birth,love,family friends. But we also see far to much sadness, if God was real, then where was he for Courtney ? Where was he when my dad got cancer ? where was he when my mum got severely ill after 11 months of looking after my dying dad. ? Where was God when i needed him most ?

He wasnt there.

People like Courtney and me, carry on because we have hope, not hope given to us my 'God' but the hope that drives us forward and keeps going through the good and the bad.

Hope wont bring me dad back, hope wont make my mum better. but hope gives me something to acheive and strive for, and that is something that no pretend God can give me.

*Again, i apologise if my opinions arent to your taste, and i hope that you werent offended by my post.*