Abandon ship.

I'm talking about the single boat here, everyone around me seems to be getting married in relationships!

I'm happy for them all but I wish it could be my turn now. I've been properly single for a very long time now. After mum died relationships were the last thing on my mind.

But I do want to settle down. I know in young but I wanna find someone and spend my life with them, get married and have a family. (having a family being the most unlikely)

I dunno, other people have noticed it and I get it. They say I have an old head on young shoulders and I do, but only because I've had too. I lived a carefree life before my dad got poorly, I was 11 years old and I had no idea and shit life can be.

When dad then died I had to pull it together. 6 months later I ended up becoming a carer for my mum when she got ill. I left my childhood at the door 8 years ago when I was 20.

I don't regret it though. Looking after my mum was a burden yes but also something I was and am proud to say I did.

Now my mum has died I have to learn to control finances, maintain my house and look after myself. I'm now an apprentice which means I go to college and work at the same time.

So yes. I am maybe to mature for my age but that's what life has given me so like it or not I live with it.

CD1!!!!

I never thought I would be writing this. After a 35 day cycle AF is here!! I'm happy about this but WTF is going on?? I go 10 months with nothing then poof, 2 in the space of 35 days. That is seriously weird.

Right. Blog updated, at the moment I haven't got a blog button anymore but that will come.

I just wanted a fresh update and layout, it's not professional and funky but oh well, at least its all ok.

Lots to tell you all!!!

I still have depression, i don't think that will be ending anytime soon but it's ok. that's something I'm dealing with. I have still out of control PCOS(no surprise there)

Good news! (well i think its good news), I have kinda started dating again. finally after 3 years!

We had 1 date on wednesday and one last night. he is lovely and everything but I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified of being close to someone. I'm so tough and independent, I don't want to let my guard down to someone unless I'm positive that I'm sure. It's just hard to explain to people, especially him.
I just don't know how to tell him why I'm like that. my history is a mess, no body wants to hear that.

Anyways, I'm afraid. I admit it. TMI coming up. I'm afraid of the intimacy side of things, giving someone that amount of control over me, and making myslef vulnerable. I struggle with that. after my mum and dad died. i just became so tough that giving over that control is hard. just gotta bring down some walls.

HARD WORK. But i wanna try. and hey, at least I'm trying :)

I am definitely gonna keep up with blogging now, doing it tonight has been quote therapeutic lol