Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Alone with my thoughts.

WARNING: this is a miserable post, I needed to put my thoughts somewhere, it's random mumblings so if you have no idea what I'm talking about then don't worry :)

My mums asleep, there's nothing I wanna watch on tv so I'm here. In silence. Alone with my thoughts. This is a bad thing, when I sit in the quiet doing nothing my brain starts going frantic with bad stuff. I think about me getting cancer and dying, this terrifies the crap outta me, I watched my dad suffer for 10 months from cancer until he couldn't fight anymore, I was there when my hero took his last breath. We had known for a few hours that it was coming but it didn't prepare me. I was 12, I'm 18 now and it haunts me even now but I don't regret it, I would never have forgiven myself if I had left, it wasn't pretty to watch his life slip away. The memory is etched into my brain. I loved him and he died. Roll forward 6 months and my mum is now wheel chair bound requiring round the clock care. Go forward 2 years and I'm told I have really bad PCOS, lots of large cysts on my ovaries that aren't going anywhere, my fertility taken from me, and my last bit of normality gone. I worry that the absence of my menstrual cycles will give me cancer, I know it's a possibility. With no treatment available to me and natural methods failing my mind goes to death. Not much frightens me, after everything that's happened I've learned that life can be a pile of shit and life is unfair, only a select few get a blessed life. But death frightens me, more than anything else I fear dying. I fear for my mum, she's not well and I'm scared of something happening to her, some may call it a blessing because of her health, but death is never a blessing. I'm scared of growing old alone and childless. I fear that the world is moving on and I'm left behind in limbo. I want to experience the joy of children, a life you create through whatever means.

Someone I know said that looking after my mum will make me alone. If someone can't handle the fact that my mum needs me then fuck them! They aren't worth it to me.

Someone asked me yesterday "what does being a carer really mean ? Are you just a glorified slave?"

No I'm not a slave. Being a full time carer means that someone depends on you, your life isn't just yours, if your hurt then what happens to the person you care for? You share your life with someone who is sick,disabled or both. I love being a carer, I love my mum and I don't care what anyone says about it.

Posted from my iPod touch.


anya sizer said...

What a brave post and you are amazing to share it with us , that takes real courage .
I think you should be really proud of who you are and what you have come through xx Anya

Alyssa said...

I know how frustrating it is, but you know what? I lost an ovary and a fallopian tube to cysts, had a 7cm cyst on my other ovary and STILL got pregnant without fertility treatment. From age 15-21 I was convinced I wouldn't be fertile, but I was wrong. =)

Anonymous said...

I ?the same opinion.

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