Made the change

I finally changed my blog, its taken me 8 months but i did it.

it was much harder than i thought it would be, it felt like i was letting go but i realised that my mum and caring would always be with me no matter what i changed.

all the lovely people on twitter and on my blog have been amazing to me the past 8 months.

When I've felt low or sad, i sign on twitter and there has always been someone there for me and i love each and every one of you for that! even though im not on twitter as much i hope you all know how much you mean to me :)

also, if anyone can help id appreciate it, i changed my button but i need to get the box underneath with the link so people can get my button. i cant remember how i did it before :/ if anyone can let me know where to get that please :)

A poem for Daddy

this is a poem dedicated to my dad. just wanted to share this with you all. i hope you like it <3

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school,

and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,

that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand,

if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;

she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,

for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school

eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone

to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called

a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,

every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"

she heard a boy call out.

"She probably doesn't have one,"

another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,

she heard a daddy say,

"Looks like another deadbeat dad,

too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,

as she smiled up at her Mom.

And looked back at her teacher,

who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,

slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child,

came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,

because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories

he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,

and ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him.

I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,

even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,

and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her

mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love

of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down, staring

straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,

he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here,

but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a policeman

and died just this past year

When airplanes hit the towers

and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it's like he never went away."

And then she closed her eyes,

and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,

she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,

who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"

to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers, of those once

filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,

for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the

love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never

too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an

hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then

an entire life to forget them.

gonna try and catch up

I wanna try and get back into the blogging world. My last post was back when my mum passed away. I've wanted to blog but I've not been in the mood. I've not been keeping as up to date on twitter as I used to but im trying to read everyones even if I don't post myself. It's hard to explain my life right now, I'm trying to find a purpose for myself and get my life on track. Losing weight and dealing with PCOS is the last thing on my mind at the minute. So to end this post: I'm gonna try and catch up and keep up to date with people on twitter, I have so many friends on there and I hate not tweeting. I'm gonna start updating my blog more. Even if it's not brilliant posting I'm gonna try. Thankyou for the patience and kindness I've received from everyone, I really do appreciate it, love you all!!!! xx

I Wanted To Say Goodbye

I don't think there is a good place for me to start, i have tried to bring myself to write in my blog for weeks. i finally have found the words to describe the things i want to say.

My last post was October and I am sorry for that, im gonna try my best to catch up with everything in this post.

My mum is the key part of this post. My mum lost her battle on the 12th of November, she passed away at home. I will never know exactly what casued it becasue i didnt want a post mortem for her but i and the doctors know that it was her health problems.

On the 8th of november she went into our local hospital because her diabetes was out of control, her levels were so high they were unreadable. she was there overnight adn the next morning she wanted to go home even though they were still quite high. within a couple of hours she was showing signs of compartment syndrome in her other arm, she had it in her left arm about a month before.

we were transferred to another hospital where she got quite poorly with her breathing, her heart couldn't cop and the fluid in her body was causing the compartment syndrome, the cure for this was an operation which they refused to do because they asid that 100% she would die in surgery. I stayed with her over night because she didnt want to be on her own. the next day she said she was coming home, we finally got home at 6pm that night, i had been up for 4 days so we went straight to bed.

I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 5 and it thought it was 5am, i saw my mum was out of bed so i got up and i found her, i thought she was alive so i tried to wake her up, i soon realised that my mum had gone.


An ambulance came and said that her time of death was around 8hrs before.  I will feel guilty forever for not not being with her, anyone will reading this will be thinking that i am an awful person for being asleep while it happened, i can't change that and i am going to live with that forever. you can never know how awful i feel or the hate i feel for myself because of it.

There was so much i had to say to her, things i had to do. When my dad died we had days to do all that.  I had so many things to say, i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and that i was sorry for the arguments we had, i wanted to tell her i wassorry for taking her to hospital, there was so much more.

I couldnt even see her when she was in the chapel of rest, i went and sat with her for what seemed like 2 minutes even though it was half hour. I never wanted to leave her.

her funeral was difficult for me. it was something i had never wanted to do, i don't even know that i got through that day.

the past few weeks have just whizzed past me, my life just seems to be moving without me.

I never thought i would be 18,alone, with my parents ashes in my living room.  It isn't fair, none of it is, the past 8 years have been so cruel.

My heart feels like it could burst, the pain i feel is so intense. I loved my mum so much and i always will, she has been such a big part of my life.. but i would do it all again in a heartbeat and i would give anything to have her back with me now.

but the worst part for me..

I wanted to say goodbye.

Happy Halloween! + update.

Happy halloween folks! I'm
not to keen on this holiday, it's irritating to have kids knocking on your door, especially when it's kids who are 14-15 yrs old ?!?! Either way, tonight I keep the lights dimmed and I ignore the older kids.

Also, I'm 39 days smokefree now!! I'm so pleased! I didn't think I would manage it, but I still struggle. Every day I get cravings still but I'm gonna keep up.

Today is movie day, I'm spending the day not moving and watching films. I watched Troy this morning and now im watching Hidalgo.

AND!

I started giving online dating a try a while back, I didn't really have much success, about 4 days ago I got a message off someone that didn't seem dodgy like the others, his name is Gareth and I really like him, we aren't together or anything yet but we are friends and are going from there. He lives about 60 miles away so it is long distance right now but that's ok.


That's the only interesting stuff going on right now, sorry I haven't blogged much! I will do my best to get back into it.


Posted from my iPod touch.

long awaited update.

i can't believe how long its been since i last updated my blog! a LOT has happened. I'm not gonna go into detail or i would be here til next year but i will do a summary of the past month for everything.

• my mum went in hospital with double pneumonia. we thought she was going to die but she came through it. a week later she went back into hospital with a DVT, she had a fasciotomy which has been left open so we are hoping that's the end of it. she needs a scan next week to see if there are any blocked vessels or any more clots.

• i went on my first train!!! when my mum went into hospital for her DVT, she was 50 miles away so if i went by bus it would've taken hours. i went on my very first train and to be honest i would happily NEVER get on one again. i had awful motion sickness and i didn't like it one bit.

• i set up a new blog. I'm keeping this one but i created a proper new blog separate from this one so that i can control my ramblings. so i blog here and i blog over at Secret Diary Of A Fat Girl now too.

• CYCLE UPDATE. I'm now CD70, as usual I'm long overdue but that has become very normal, no signs of anything happening so i think I'm in for the long game again.

That is a summarised update of my life this month. its been a really busy few weeks but now I have my mum home I'm hoping things can calm down and i can get everything back to normal.

TAG your it!

I'm on my iPod touch so this post is gonna be a little weird. I apologise in advance!

I was tagged by the lovely
http://mom2reagan.blogspot.com/ for this post :) even though I can't get on a pc right now I still wanna do this one.


1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would go to Canada to try and find my relatives.

2. What is your happiest childhood memory? I was 6 and I was scared of dying. My dad told me I had 94 years left yet! Doesn't sound amazingly happy but for me it was :)

3. Do you have any nicknames? How did you get them? My friend calls me buttercup. She always says "what's up buttercup" that's where it comes from

4. What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far? Joining twitter! I have made so many great friends through it!

Have fun playing along and I can't wait to see everyone's answers!

Because I can't tag properly, I'm giving this to the first 5 people who can comment saying they are gonna do it! 5 people only though so be quick and you have to nominate 5 too!


Posted from my iPod touch.