End of a long and difficult decade

This is my last post of 2009 so I wanted to try and sum up this while decade. The millenium started well for us yeah my sister was messed up but it was ok. In January 2004 my sister gave birth to her first son Jamie and then we found out my dad had cancer. He was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer with secondary in his bones and lungs. A week later he had a hip replacement because the cancer had destroyed his hip. In April 2004 I turned 13 that was the last birthday my dad would be around for. On October the 4th 2009 was my mum and dads 13th wedding anniversary and then on the 8th of October was my dads 50th birthday. And then on the 3rd of November at 3.30am my dad passed away with me, my mum the nurses and our dog at his side. A week later we had my dads funeral he was cremated and we still have his ashes now in my mums bedroom. Then in April 2005 my mum had an operation on her bladder that went wrong she had a tape put on her bladder for stress incontinence which cut straight through her urethra. The hospital left my mum in retention for 11 months. Then in 2006 my sister gave birth to my neice jessica-marie who now lives with a new family with her brother Jamie. Also in 2006 mum had a complete bladder reconstruction which wasn't successful my mum has a permament indwelling catheter now. From all that my mum now has polymyalgia rheumatica, Chronic fatigue syndrome (M.E), diabetes, athsma, thrombosis, cardio obstructive pulmonary disorder, left ventricular dysfunction, bullous pemphigus, fybromyalgia, leg ulcers, poor circulation, IBS, irritable bladder, bladder spasms and insomnia. She is also now unable to walk more than a couple of steps and is in a wheelchair. In March 2008 my sister gave birth to my other neice olivia who was taken away at birth and at 9 months old went to her new family. My sister is an alcoholic and she takes drugs too. So basically this decade is messed up for me. I'm hoping that this next decade might bring some good news or something good will happen. Who knows, miracles do happen and I'm hoping that one of those miracles will come my way. So happy new year to you all and I hope that this year brings you good fortune.

another scan

saw the doctor today who decided to do a scan herself so we could see results right then. so my let ovary seems to be about the same but my right one lokos to have another 1 maybe 2 cysts on it, we cant tell for sure because theres so many there already. That brings us back to the option of surgery, which i really am trying to avoid, the risk of losing the whiole ovary is 80% and losing the tube as well is about 50% i really dont want to take that risk unless it is absolutely necassary. the other risk is without surgery the ovary just packs in all together which doesnt sound good, so i have a choice. Have surgery and risk losing ovary and tube or leave it and risk the ovary packing up anways.

Xmas

Well this years Xmas was better than expected :) tbh I was not really looking forward to it after whats happened 2 xmas's ago. It went really well, I didn't burn the food and my mum also enjoyed herself. So now for next Xmas i'm hoping that all my friends on here/Twitter will be holding their babys on Xmas day 2010 xxxx

Scan results

Well on friday I had my brain scan. Last time I got really claustrophoebic which wasn't nice and it was the same this time aswell. They refused to give me a sedative saying it could effect the results. So they gave me a jab to fake tiredness which would have been the same as a sedative but never mind. I was in there about 20mins so I tried to think about other stuff and when I got claustrophoebic which helped a little bit. Once I was done I was out of there quick ! I wasn't staying there any longer required. On Monday I saw doctor who basically said she wasn't sure what condition I had because the scan showed weird activity but couldbt say wgat it is exactly so for now it's unexplained insomnia which is where I was before ! So no treatment at the minute gonna review my condition in 3 months.

Scans ansd sedatives

It's 1.46am just writing this while I wait for my tablets to work. My stupid doctor wouldn't give me anything so this morning I rang the private clinic I've been to before and they said the doctor would see me. He thought it was ridiculous that my normal doctor hadn't given me something. So he gave me some sedatives that I've taken just now so I hope they work I'm desperate for a good nights sleep. Got my brain scan tomorrow aswell to check whether my sleep problems are anything to do with my brain. Really not looking forward to it, I'm claustrophobic so I always panic and they won't give me a sedative because it might affect the scan but hopefully it won't last very long and I can get home asap. So hopefully by the time someone reads this I'll be fast asleep well I hope I am anyway.

Back to church

Today has been sooo busy for me about 6am my aunty came to my house and asked me if I'd go to church with her today so I got ready and off we went. I've never been in a catholic church before so this was all new to me but I have to say I was surprised. Even though I'm not catholic I was welcomed in like I'd been there all my life. I sat while my aunty prayed and went to confession even though everybody including her doctor told her she was not to blame only god could convince her otherwise. Well it kind of worked after confession she seemed better, I know she still thinks it's her but at least now it's not consuming her. I stayed with her while she prayed to god to give her strength and to let her be a mum when he felt she could be, then we left. I asked her if we could go to the church I used to go to, I felt that if maybe if my aunt could keep her faith in god then maybe I should go have a word myself. When we first got there I couldn't go in. For 2 years I've been angry at god, hating him for everything that has happened, but I went in. When I got near the front the vicar came over to ask why I hadn't been to church in so long and I just broke down all the stuff that has been boiling inside my head just spilled out, when I told him I had lost faith in god he wasn't angry with me. We sat for an hour talking about why I had lost faith. Then he left and I prayed, I prayed to god for the strength to keep me going. I have to admit that I had a few strong words that found there way out my mouth which I felt a but guilty about but as horrible as it sounds I felt like god deserved it, I felt like I needed to punish him for what he's done. After about 2 hours I left, it didn't exactly restore my faith but it made me feel a whole lot better. I think I might go back and have a few more words at some point but for now I'm still not sure he even exists. We will see maybe he has something in store for me but who knows.

Losing faith

Today I decided that god either doesn't exist OR he really really hates me. I used to have great faith in god, I'm not a strict religious person but I always turned to god and my faith kept going through the more difficult days. But I've realised that maybe god doesn't exist. I don't know whether he does no body does but I don't understand how god could inflict cancer on my dad and then the suffering of the illnesses that now haunt my mum every day. When I see my mum in pain and she suffers it makes me think that god isn't real. Most women take the fact that they can conceive and carry a miracle that is a human child for granted but the blessing of creating and bearing a miracle is very special that every woman should posess not just the select few. When I think about me not being able to have children it breaks my heart. All I want in life is to be happy, I know my mums illnesses will never get better but I don't see why my mum, who has been there for me and coped with my mentally ill sister has to go through what she does every day. So to some it up I have lost my faith in god maybe at some point I will see the light as they say and believe in god again but right I hate him and I couldn't care less whether he's real or not.

(this post is not to offend any religious or spiritual person if you feel I have offended u I apologise)

Ttc happy hour

Last night was another happy hour which I very nearly missed but I got there. I have to come to really enjoy happy hour we all get to have a good vent and cheer each other up if someones having a bad day. I'm the baby of the group but I love how much support I get from the other ttc ladies. Until I got on Twitter I was basically on my own. My mum didn't really understand and I have no family either. Also the few friends I do have either don't have the maturity to understand or they just don't care. It amazed me that complete strangers who had no idea who was gave me support when I needed it and I think you need special people to be that kind. I know that me and the other ttc ladies WILL be blessed with a child these ladies are so awesome and any child would extremely lucky to have any of them as mums xx

2 bottles of wine and an Indian takeaway

On Monday afternoon i decided I was gonna stuff the diet and have a takeaway. I'd already brought home 2 bottle of wine on my way home from the doctors and I was in the mood to lecture myself about healthy eating. My Indian takeaway was gorgeous ! But the wine seemed to make everything worse. I had all sorts going through my head and wine was not getting rid if it ! So I got a hot chocolate took some melatonin and went to bed. The moral of this story is, wine won't make anything better it's not a good idea so don't drink it when you feel down. On Tuesday I then had to brave the outside to take my mum to the doctors. I was expecting to have a nervous breakdown like I have before but i was suprisingly calm considering, I think the only time I got a little bit upset was when my mums friend couldn't understand why I didn't wanna hold her baby but I coped with it. I'd love to say I'm a strong woman but i'm not. Without the support from the other ttc ladies on Twitter I'd have gone insane they are all awesome women who I have a great deal of respect for. So now I'm back at square one now back to the hospital tomorrow so see why I couldn't carry a pregnancy so hopefully that might shed some light on the problem. I hope that one day all us women who are ttc will be proud mummys to beautiful babies x


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