Back to church

Today has been sooo busy for me about 6am my aunty came to my house and asked me if I'd go to church with her today so I got ready and off we went. I've never been in a catholic church before so this was all new to me but I have to say I was surprised. Even though I'm not catholic I was welcomed in like I'd been there all my life. I sat while my aunty prayed and went to confession even though everybody including her doctor told her she was not to blame only god could convince her otherwise. Well it kind of worked after confession she seemed better, I know she still thinks it's her but at least now it's not consuming her. I stayed with her while she prayed to god to give her strength and to let her be a mum when he felt she could be, then we left. I asked her if we could go to the church I used to go to, I felt that if maybe if my aunt could keep her faith in god then maybe I should go have a word myself. When we first got there I couldn't go in. For 2 years I've been angry at god, hating him for everything that has happened, but I went in. When I got near the front the vicar came over to ask why I hadn't been to church in so long and I just broke down all the stuff that has been boiling inside my head just spilled out, when I told him I had lost faith in god he wasn't angry with me. We sat for an hour talking about why I had lost faith. Then he left and I prayed, I prayed to god for the strength to keep me going. I have to admit that I had a few strong words that found there way out my mouth which I felt a but guilty about but as horrible as it sounds I felt like god deserved it, I felt like I needed to punish him for what he's done. After about 2 hours I left, it didn't exactly restore my faith but it made me feel a whole lot better. I think I might go back and have a few more words at some point but for now I'm still not sure he even exists. We will see maybe he has something in store for me but who knows.